2016 is ending

Dear Michael,

Here we are...2016 is coming to a close and I just cannot believe it.  I missed you so much at Christmas.  I cried many tears the 24th and 25th...just wishing you were here.  Last year, a couple of weeks before Christmas, we announced you to everyone. We were so excited!  I remember being so excited last year, thinking of what it would be like to have you here to celebrate Christmas with us this year.  That didn't happen.  You celebrated with Jesus Christ though, which of course is more amazing than anything your old mom could have come up with :).  We got a stocking for you and bought a baby toy, a baby book and Christmas PJs to donate in your memory.  These are things I would have bought for you if you had been here.  I also got you an ornament for our tree which made me cry to look at, but also made me so happy.

The boys still talk about you often, including Andrew now!  One day, Andrew said "I wanna spell Michael."  That meant he wanted me to write your name on a piece of paper.  I was so happy to do it, that was the first time Andrew really acknowledged you out loud.  He was so late to start talking so we never really knew what he understood.  This made me think that he understood a lot more than we gave him credit for! 

We are anticipating the birth of your other brother, Isaac Benjamin, any week now.  For right now, I have decided that if Isaac does not come by January 19th, I want to be induced.  My midwife said that would be an option.  I just have so much anxiety about losing him too, even though I know medically there is no reason to have that fear.  I pray that he will come before that because I would like a completely natural birth but for now, I cannot imagine waiting longer than that.  I am looking forward to meeting him and holding him.  I wish I could hold you too my sweet one.  I love you so much and wish you were with us. 

Love,
Mommy

Missing you

Dear Michael,

I have been missing you so much today, though I miss you every day. I was picking out family photo outfits and could not help but think of you and how you won't be in the photos next week. What kind of outfit would I pick for you, sweet baby? I realized that tomorrow would be baby dedication at church. The dedication that we would have participated in if you had been full term and here. My heart broke even more. I want you here more than anything. To top it all off, this week there has been major pro-life vs. pro-choice debates going on. Of course, I am pro-life. But it just angers me that it is an issue at all. It is insulting that some people never considered you a real life. How do all of these people think it is ok to kill a baby?! I was looking at your pictures today and loved looking at your tiny hand. I am going to drift to sleep now, thinking about holding your hand. I love you Michael.

Mommy

7 months

Dear Michael,

How has it been 7 months? I long to hold you again. I feel like so many people do not understand. Including Daddy sometimes. I do not even understand sometimes. How is it possible to feel this pain so deeply? For the tears to come so often and so quickly? I am just so tired. The evenings are filled with dread. Once your brothers are in bed and the house is quiet I feel so empty and alone.  We are having another boy in January and I feel so blessed. But along with this pregnancy comes an emotional strain I never imagined. The lines are so blurry between your pregnancy and this one. I have been pregnant for 9 out of the last 11 months. I am 21 weeks now with your brother and last night we were talking about names for him. It just made me so sad. I remember talking about names for you. I am going to try to get some sleep. I am holding your bear like I do every night. Good night sweet boy.

Love,

Mommy 

6 months

Dear Michael,

Here I am again...sobbing late at night because my heart aches for you.  It has been six months since you were born still. Six months since I said goodbye. So many details from that day are etched into my mind...one detail that I will forever cherish is holding you. Seeing your tiny self and being so in awe of you.  One reason I am crying is just thinking of all the abortions that happen daily. I have seen what a baby looks like when he is still able to be aborted. Why does our country allow this? Women who have an unplanned pregnancy need support and help. They need education and to know their options (which should not include taking the life of another).  

Tonight I watched a show called "Born This Way." It follows a group of people with Down's Syndrome.  As someone who used to teach kids with disabilities (some of whom had Down's Syndrome), this show really affected me. I love how the show is so real and shows the emotions, dreams and relationships of these beautiful people. Yet, with prenatal testing, 67 percent of babies with this disability are aborted.  I loved what one mom of a child with Down's Syndrome said..."finding out your child has this disability is the end of a dream...but it is the beginning of a NEW dream." 

Countless times I have wished my dreams for you had not come to an end. I know you are experiencing things now that are way better than any dream I had for you here on Earth. But it still hurts. 

It hurts when I look at your brothers playing together and you are not there. It hurts when we celebrate holidays and you aren't there. It hurts when someone says "three boys...wow!" because there are supposed to be four boys. 

I often wonder what type of baby you would have been...would you have been a naturally good sleeper like Colson? Or would it have taken more effort to get you to sleep, like Lincoln and Andrew. Would you have taken a paci? Would you have liked the baby swing?  I am sure as time passes I will always have those questions for you.  Each year as February 13 passes, I will wonder...what would he be like?  

I love you so much and I always will. Lincoln likes to pray for God to give you a hug from us. I pray that too. 

God, please give Michael a big hug from me right now. 

Love, Mommy

So Familiar

Dear Michael, 

I miss you. If you were here now you would be a few weeks old. I would probably be nursing you. Trying to keep you awake for the feeding. Listening to the little gulps you take. Watching milk dribble out the side of your perfect mouth. Daddy would change your diaper to wake you back up after you nursed off the first side. Then he would swaddle you back up before you nursed off the second side so you would be nice and cozy. Then you would nurse for a few minutes, be drowsy and I would put you in the rock n play sleeper. You would drift to sleep and I would go to bed hoping for a few hours of sleep.

 It is all so familiar, something I did over and over with your brothers...but something I will never get to do with you. All those times with your brothers...I took it for granted. Stroking their fine, silky hair as I held them...looking at their little chubby fists open and close as they ate...always knowing they were perfect but never really comprehending how miraculous they were.

Now I know.

I beg God daily...praying I will get to experience these sweet moments with your new brother or sister. Promising Him and myself I will appreciate it more this time.

I know that does not guarantee anything...but I will keep pouring out my heart to God. Even if I do not have my desires fulfilled. I know God knows best. 

I know He is in control. 

And I know you know too. He has got you right there with Him.

Love,

Mommy

Plane

Dear Michael,

I miss you a lot right now. I am on a plane back home from visiting Aunt Courtney and I started thinking of you and can barely hold back tears. Thankfully the flight attendant just sprayed a Coke everywhere on accident and it provided some comic relief for me.

There is a pregnant woman across from me and I looked over at her belly and could tell she was 30ish weeks and it just hurt that I never got that far with you.  I wish I could hold you again.  It stinks being so emotional on the plane. There is nowhere to go so I just have to awkwardly cry in my seat among strangers.

I feel like I am having another boy. I pray daily I will get to hold him alive. I am so scared. I know you are happy in Heaven but we still miss you, of course. Lincoln still does too. I am terrified of the same thing happening to the new baby because I cannot bare for Lincoln to hurt more. I think Colson is hurting too but he expresses it differently...through acting out.

I just want this all to be ok. I want to fast forward to January and have this baby in my arms. Of course, that will not take away how much I miss you.

I love you always.

Mommy

July is Coming

Dear Michael,

It has been a tough week for your mommy. My grief mixed with pregnancy hormones and sickness has taken a huge toll on me. I am drained and exhausted and depressed. 

I miss you.

I want you here.

Your due date it coming soon, just three more days. I cannot help but think about how you should be here now. I have been dreading June coming to an end. It makes me sick thinking about it. 

When I think about turning the calendar from June to July, my heart breaks. I wish I could fast forward to August. Honestly, I wish I could just fast forward to the birth of your little brother or sister. Just skip all the wondering and waiting and the pain I feel. 

I am 10 weeks pregnant now. We still have not made it public. I am showing already though, partly because this is my 5th pregnancy and partly because my body was 19 weeks pregnant with you just 4.5 months ago. 

I think about you everyday. We are going to have a cookout this Sunday for your due date. We asked people to bring children's books to it and we will donate them in your honor. I hope we will have a good turn out. I am telling myself not to take it personally if people don't. I just wish people would at least give a book to show that they know you mattered. I realize that not everyone will think of this the way that I do. Hopefully it will all turn out ok. 

I love you!

Mommy

Mixed Emotions

Dear Michael,

I had to leave the YMCA just now because I was overwhelmed with sadness and began sobbing right there on the elliptical.  I came out to my car in the parking lot so I could write you.

I didn't know how hard this would be. I want this baby, just like I wanted you, but the past week I have gone from worrying about something happening to the baby to feeling so sad and guilty. I kind of wish we had waited to tell our family and close friends about the new baby until after your due date.

I am just having a hard time because your due date is getting closer and while I was working out I saw two very pregnant women...I am guessing their babies are due about the same time as you were. I am supposed to be them right now...huge and swollen and ready to pop.  So a part of me wishes for you back...and then I feel guilty because if that happened, I wouldn't be pregnant now with your little brother or sister. I feel so confused and sad.

If we had waited to tell others about the new baby then I am sure I would have felt bad that way too. Because I was so happy when I found out, I wanted to share the news with other people who would be happy about it too. I thought it would take away some of the pain I felt from losing you. But it seems to have just made it worse. Instead of feeling only sad, now I feel sad, confused and guilty all at the same time.

I love you so much Michael. We are planning to have a get together at our house on your due date. We are trying to turn a sad day into a way to honor you. We are asking people to bring books to the get together so we can donate them in your memory. I am looking forward to that. I pray the new baby will be ok. I truly desire a "rainbow baby." I have hope too because of this new pregnancy. That is one emotion mixed in with all the others that I like.

I love you so much sweet boy. I know God is taking good care of you in Heaven.

Love,
Mommy

New Baby

Dear Michael,

Daddy and I found out on May 19th that we are expecting a new baby in late January.  When I told Daddy that morning he was so excited!  I was excited too...for about two hours.

Then, the worry took over.  The anxiety gripped my heart and I had trouble breathing.  My chest felt so tight...partly from missing you and partly from assuming something bad would happen to this baby too.  I keep praying for God's protection and for me to be able to accept whatever His will is.

I am looking forward to meeting your new brother or sister but no baby will ever replace you.  There will always be a hole in my heart that can only be filled by you...just like your brothers and this new baby have a special place in my heart that can only be filled by them.

The night before I found out I was pregnant I took my last pre-natal vitamin from "your" bottle.  I had continued taking them because I thought we would try to get pregnant again soon. It broke my heart.  I don't know if I will even be able to throw the bottle away.  The next night, as I opened a brand new bottle of pre-natal vitamins it hit me that I was starting a brand new bottle on the exact day I found out I was pregnant again.  That seemed fitting to me, but also very sad.

I kind of like that before I knew I was pregnant, your brother or sister growing inside of me got the same nutrients from the same bottle of vitamins as you. I know that is so strange. 

I peaked at Lincoln tonight while he was asleep and he was holding his Michael Bear. That made me so happy. As I watched him, I wondered how long he would sleep with it...and then I wondered how long I would sleep with mine.  I am glad Lincoln talks about you often.  I wish more people would talk about you but I know it is not on everyone's mind all of the time like it is mine.  I know everyone has their own struggles.  I just love when people say your name. 

We haven't figured out when we will tell everyone about your brother or sister.  We waited until about 11 weeks to tell everyone about you.  Lincoln was so upset when we lost you...I just don't want to see him like that again.  I am afraid it will be too much for me to handle if this baby dies too and we have to tell Lincoln.

Daddy seems to be protective of your little brother or sister, it is very sweet.  The boys were being so rough, playing like usual, and they began to flail around and almost hit me in the stomach. Daddy made sure they knew it was not ok to be like that with Mommy.  He was very stern with them.  He hasn't said he is scared of losing the new baby, but I know on some level he has to be.  He misses you so much.

Daddy thinks we are having a girl, but he said that about Andrew and you too.  I think this time he might be right.  I have never felt like we were having a girl before...I guess we will find out at the end of summer.  I am praying for a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby (or babies)!

I love you,
Mommy

Beauty from the Storms

Dear Michael,

I was emotional all morning.  As I was driving home from my morning workout, I began to think about the Mother's Day Tea I was attending later at Lincoln's school. I had been looking forward to it for a while but I could not help but be reminded that I wouldn't have you with me for Mother's Day.  The emotion overtook me and the sobbing that has become so familiar began.

Tears streamed down my face as I drove and felt that ache in my heart, an ache reserved only for you.  I was thankful that Colson and Andrew were being relatively quiet as they seemed to be listening to the music on the radio. We were listening to our usual Christian music station.  As my sadness surrounded me, one of my favorite songs began to play: "Better is One Day."  I was comforted by the reminder that it is better to spend one day with the Lord than thousands here on Earth.

I know you are in the best place possible, and not just for one day, but for eternity!

As the song played and soothed my soul, I kept driving forward.  I noticed two different skies above me.  In front of me, there were white, puffy clouds in a sunny, light blue sky.  But when I looked in my rearview mirror, I saw a solid dark gray sky from the storm that had just passed.  The sky behind me was the color of charcoal and it was a contrasting backdrop for the bright green spring trees.  The sky behind me was so dark, yet so unusually beautiful.

I couldn't help but steal glances and look back at it as I drove toward the cheerful blue sky. The scene behind me took my breath away...it was just that beautiful.

I was reminded that when we go through the storms of life, which can be dark and scary, there is beauty in those times too...maybe not always in the midst of the storm...but in the aftermath.  My precious Michael, losing you was like being in a storm...it was dark and scary.  But it honestly has not been hard to find the beauty from this storm...there is beauty in how my heart and our family has been forever changed by you.

As I drove, the dark skies became distant behind me and the bright, sunny skies became closer.  While driving toward the calm blue sky and the gigantic, light clouds, I was reminded of our Father.   I was reminded of the hope I have for the future; hope as bright as the sky before me.  I must keep looking forward to Him and His promises.  I must keep savoring the moments of motherhood with your brothers, even if I can't savor them with you. 

I may be moving forward to sunny skies, and there is beauty in that too...but that doesn't mean I will forget the beauty that comes from the storms. 

Ugly Cry

Dear Michael,

I am learning so much about grief. 

Megan posted something really wise on Facebook: "I used to think you were either happy, or you were sad... I'm learning that you can hold both of those at the same time. I can be genuinely happy, laughing and singing with Beckett. You can take my picture and life looks grand posted on Facebook. Yet, at the same time I'm disastrously sad, holding a broken heart, genuinely shattered. I hold them both, at the same time. Sometimes one at the surface, sometimes the other. Be kind to those around you, you just never know what all they may be holding."

This mirrors exactly how I feel.  It is also overwhelming to think about the grief and pain so many around me are holding inside and I don't even know it. 

When I went to get my haircut today, there were so many people happily chatting around me.  I envied them because they seemed so carefree, but then I remembered that they hold their own sorrows too...some of them are holding sorrows that I cannot even imagine.  I vividly remember the last time I got my haircut.  It was January and I was pregnant with you.  I had no idea the sorrow that would soon be coming my way.

That day, I remember feeling proud of my growing belly and I felt cute in my new maternity shirt, my maternity skinny jeans, and my knee-high slouchy boots.  I had even put on make-up, which is rare for me!

I walked in from the cold, gray day and sat by the fireplace in the waiting area.  As I sat down, I secretly hoped someone would notice my belly and ask about you.  I wanted to talk about how I thought you would be my fourth boy and how I was hoping you would come a little early and be here in June.  Everyone was so engrossed in their smart phones so of course nobody struck up a conversation, which is all too common these days.  I am one of the weird people in the world that likes making small talk...I even really like talking to people on planes and am disappointed if I am seated next to a non-talker, haha!

While I waited, a receptionist came over to me and asked if I wanted to go on and schedule my appointments for all of 2016.  I LOVE to plan ahead, so I said "Sure!"  I scheduled one for spring, one for fall and one for winter.  I wanted to skip a summer haircut because I figured you would be born in late June or early July and I thought since I would be in the "newborn haze" that I could stand to miss a haircut.

So today when I pulled in the parking lot of the salon to get my spring haircut, you were definitely on my mind.  I was supposed to be 6 months pregnant with you at this haircut.  As soon as I walked in the door and saw that fireplace, I just started remembering everything about being there last time with you.  I could feel the lump in my throat and the tears started to well up in my eyes.  I drank some water and tried to distract myself by reading a magazine. When my hairdresser came over and took me back to get my hair washed, my heart began to ache and I felt miserable.

As I walked to the shampoo sink, I nervously glanced around to see if Bethany was there.  She cut my hair last time and she is my usual hairdresser but she was booked for the day.  I had told her about you the last time I was there and she could see my pregnant belly and was very excited for me.  She  told me how cute I looked that day and we giggled when I told her you were a surprise. I knew if I saw her I would have to tell her what happened to you.  I saw her cutting a young girl's hair and longed to go over to tell her but knew it wasn't the right time.  I sat down and my hairdresser began to wash my hair.

I thought I could hold off the tears but as I sat there with the warm water running down my head and the sweet aroma of lavender all around me, my thoughts caught up to me.  My feelings did too.  It had been a week since I had cried and I guess I was "due."  The hairdresser walked away to get something and as I sat there alone with my thoughts of you, I couldn't help but let the floodgates open. 

I did not know what to do.  I just sat there with sopping wet hair, crying uncontrollably.  When the guy who had been washing my hair came back he looked so confused and sympathetic.  He had no idea about you.  I went into the bathroom and regained composure.  When I came out of the bathroom I told the hairdresser about you and why I was crying. He immediately changed the subject. We chatted some and all I wanted to do was talk about you, but I felt like I couldn't. 

Bethany came up to me while I was paying for my haircut.  I told her what happened to you and her eyes welled up with tears. I was glad to finally be able to tell her and was even more glad to see the tears in her eyes. She gave me a big hug and we said our goodbyes.  When I got to my car, I cried again.  A big, ugly, red faced cry. 

I guess when you are grieving, that is just bound to happen.  I am learning.

Irreplaceable

Dear Michael,

We went to Cumberland Falls last weekend.  Daddy and I took our honeymoon there and we decided last minute to go there again.  I have been so down the past week and just needed something to look forward to.  We hiked and talked a lot about you. We saw a beautiful rainbow and I thought about you; I saw several butterflies and thought of you too. 

The rainbow made me think of Megan and Connelly too because she sang Somewhere Over the Rainbow to him.  I took a picture of the rainbow and wrote his name in the sand and took a picture of it for her.  I was going to write your name in the sand too but I decided to wait until we went to the beach in August. 

Daddy and I are trying to get pregnant.  It is so funny that you were a surprise but it was no surprise how badly we wanted you once we found out.  We loved you so much.  Losing you made me want to try again for another baby.  Not to replace you...you are irreplaceable.  But I cannot help it...the desire to have another baby is so strong...stronger than it has ever been.  I had so many thoughts about you and how you were going to be the last.  Now I pray you will not be the last. 

I want another baby for many reasons. One of those reasons is just to cherish every moment.  I took it for granted with your brothers.... took it for granted because I was trying to "get through it" and I assumed they wouldn't be the last.  I never thought about losing them or losing any other babies.  I wish I had cherished moments with them more. 

I know I have learned from this.  I have learned to cherish the moments I have with them NOW.  I don't want to wish them away or wish for it to be easier.  It is perfect just how it is. 

It is perfect because they are here and they are mine. But I know they are God's first.  I pray I get many, many years with them but I know there is a possibility that won't happen. 

This doesn't make God unfair.  It just means that life happens.  No matter what, I need to trust Him.  And trust that in all things He will work for the good of those who love Him. 

Love,
Mommy

Always Your Mommy

Hey buddy,

I probably won't be writing as much anymore.  I know you know that I love you.  But I know you know I have to be fully present for your brothers too.  I have been withdrawing from them a lot and I don't want to do that to them.  I will keep your memory alive by doing the RAK with your brothers and by holding my "Michael bear" like I would hold you.  I will always have you in my heart. 

I will think of you when I cook dinner for our family...wishing I could cook for you too.  I will think of you when I buy clothes for your brothers...wishing I could buy clothes for you too.  I will think of you when I read books like "Good Night, Good Night Construction Site" to your silly brothers.  They love that book so much and I know you would have too.  I will think of you when I buy gifts for your brothers. And every holiday and birthday I will also think of you.

Even if I am not speaking about you...know that I am always thinking about you.

There are so many things I want to do for you but I just can't.  I want to teach you about life and God.  But I know you have everything you need in Heaven...the truth is, you don't need me at all.  And that breaks my heart and makes me thankful to God all at the same time.

I just want you to know that even if we have another baby, you will ALWAYS be my 4th boy.  You will always be loved.  Your life was so important and mattered so much.  It has changed me forever.  I know not to take things for granted...not to take Daddy or your brothers for granted...because we are not guaranteed to be together on this earth for any length of time.

Of course, God could make life perfect for us if He wanted, but then we wouldn't grow...we wouldn't be closer to Him and closer to others.  Your life and death have made me compassionante in a way I never would have been before.  I will forever cherish that.

And I know now that life is hard.  God never promised it wouldn't be.  But no matter what else comes my way- whatever loss, whatever pain, whatever sickness- I trust God. I trust His plan. I trust His will.  I trust that the Holy Spirit and the body of Christ will help me through any trials that come my way.  I have learned so much, Michael, and it is all because of you. 

I love you so much. So, so, so much.  Please wait for me in Heaven.  I will be there to hold you one day.

Love,
Mommy

Kindness heals

Dear Michael,

After reading a book about healing from pregnancy loss and after talking to Megan and some others, I decided to start doing Random Acts of Kindness in your memory.  I made cards on zazzle.com with the words "Please enjoy this Random Act of Kindness in memory of Michael Jeremiah Hall, February 13, 2016" and I also put Jeremiah 1:5 from the Bible on the card.  I chose this image to put on the back of the card (your brothers and I drew this for you on our driveway one day):

So far, the boys and I have paid for the meals of people behind us in the drive-thru (we have done Panera, Chick-fil-a and McDonalds).  We plan to do some other acts of kindness too, like make cookies for the firemen or doing something for the teachers at the school near us.  I have lots of ideas!  Doing these RAK has been so helpful in the healing process.  I really love being able to tell other people about you in this way. I have no idea what the people on the other end of these acts are thinking, but my hope is that I can brighten their day and spread the love of Christ at the same time! 

After we shared our sad news about you with family and friends, we were overwhelmed by the kindness and love that was shown to us.  So many people let us know they were praying for us.  Friends brought us meals and gift cards to restaurants so I wouldn't have to think about groceries and meal planning at such a hard time.  We received several bouquets of flowers and we received so many touching sympathy cards.  It moved me to tears that so many people honored you in this way.  I know I will cherish the cards we received and enjoy reading them in the years to come!

I took pictures of everything anyone gave us or sent to us after you passed away and put those pictures in your book.  When I was creating these pages in your book, I felt like I was making a page in a typical baby book where you can record who came to visit the newborn baby and what gifts the baby received; just like I did for your brothers. It warms my heart when I look back at these particular pictures and I remember the kindness that is all around me, despite living in such a fallen world.

Through the kindness others have shown us, I am reminded of how I want to act when people are going through hard times.  I want to reach out to others and help. I will keep doing RAK and I will do my best to keep my eyes open for people experiencing heartache. I never want anyone who is going through heartbreak to think they are alone.  Because, my sweet Michael, it meant the world to me to know that I was not alone.

I love you!
Mommy

Back to "Normal"

I got my period yesterday... I feel sick about it.  It's not fair; I don't want my period...I want YOU!  It is just another reminder that I don't have you anymore.  I miss you so much, we all do.

Your brothers like to draw pictures for you and I save them to put in your box. Colson has never really shown any real sadness about you but he likes drawing pictures about you. I don't think Colson fully understands what has happened.  He does tell me "You don't have a baby in your belly anymore."  But sometimes he will pat my belly carefully then it will occur to him that he doesn't have to be careful anymore since I am not pregnant and he will say "Baby Michael is in Heaven now."

You being in Heaven has become "normal" to Lincoln.  The other day he told me, "if God gives us another baby you can save our old shoes for the baby to wear later...if the baby doesn't go to Heaven."  It breaks my heart that he has knowledge that life is not a guarantee.  Whenever Lincoln gets upset about you being gone, I suggest he draw pictures because that is the only thing I know to suggest.  How else do you help a 5 year old grieve?  It is so confusing sometimes.  Drawing really does seem to help him though.

I am thankful that talking about you is a part of the everyday lives of your brothers.  It is normal to them to have another brother who just happens to be in Heaven. Your brothers are so innocent and just say whatever comes to their mind...no filter.  They aren't nervous to talk about you or worried that others may become uncomfortable if they talk about you.

Your brothers have made talking about you easier and more "normal."  It has been healing to talk about you with them... and to talk about you with anyone who wants to listen.  Unfortunately, not everyone close to me wants to listen, and it hurts...but I know they are dealing with this the best way they know how.  Mothers who lost their babies want to talk about our children in Heaven, just like we want to talk about our other kids here on earth!

I am so sad.  I keep thinking of all the things I will miss with you...I am holding on to the hope I can do all those things in Heaven with you.  I visited your grave today for the first time since we buried you.  The baseball is still there and I was glad to see it.  I bet you would have loved baseball! 

Maybe Daddy can teach you to play when he gets to Heaven.  When that day comes, it will be our new "normal." :)

I love you,
Mommy

The Luckiest

Dear Michael,

I have been busy making a special book in your memory. I wanted you to have a baby book of sorts, like your brothers did.  Obviously, it is a bit different than their books but I wanted to commemorate the times you were with us throughout pregnancy.  I love the book and can't wait until it comes in the mail.  I spent a lot of time picking out the cover of the book and eventually decided on a star pattern for the cover because it reminded me of the star blankets your brothers have.  I spent so much time selecting pictures for the book and trying to write the perfect words for you.  I decided to make it read like a storybook, envisioning that your brothers would read it one day.  It begins with a description of the day we found out we were pregnant with you and it ends with a description of the special gifts people gave us in your memory. 

Even though the book has an end, the story of you has not ended.  Daddy and I will always carry you in our hearts and you will always live in Heaven.  

Even though it was sad, I wanted to remember your delivery and have those pictures in the book too.  I wanted to look back and remember the love your daddy had for you...not that I would ever forget...pictures just have a way of conveying emotion so beautifully.  The pictures in your book capture the expression of pure love and sorrow on Daddy's face as we hold you.

Daddy was previewing the book online tonight before I ordered it.  He started sobbing as he read it and I held him...just like he has held me so many times before.  As his tears soaked my t-shirt, I thought of how he sobbed when he found out the news about you at the ultrasound...and how he sobbed after you were delivered.  I had never seen him cry like that before.  It was so sweet and heart-breaking at the same time. We both love you so much. 

Going through this experience has brought Daddy and I even closer together.  I know there will be plenty more bumps in the road of life as we get older.  I pray that Daddy and I will always be able to go through these bumps together. 

There is a song by Ben Folds called "The Luckiest" and I think of your daddy every time I listen to it:

I don't get many things right the first time,
In fact, I am told that a lot
Now I know all the wrong turns the stumbles,
And falls brought me here
And where was I before the day
That I first saw your lovely face,
Now I see it every day
And I know

That I am, I am, I am, the luckiest

It is so fitting because I really do feel like the luckiest person alive.  I don't think it is possible for any two people to love each other as much as Daddy and I love each other.  I suppose most couples feel that way, or at least I hope they do.

I know that God brought us together to make each other stronger and better and to point each other back to Him.  Through all of this I have seen your daddy in a new way.  I have seen how big his heart really is...and how easily his heart can break.  I feel so lucky...and blessed...that he is mine. 

Love,
Mommy

Blessings

Dear Michael,

I had my post partum check up today.  How strange it was to have a post partum check up with no baby.  I had reservations about going but I was looking forward to seeing my midwife again.  I feel so blessed to have had someone like her to help me through all of this.  She handled everything so well and gave me her number to text her if I needed.  She was so supportive and she made me feel validated. I probably wore her phone out with all the questions I sent through text messages.

I mostly asked questions about what I had done or not done that could have caused this to happen.  I was racked with guilt those first couple of weeks.  Finally, after all the reassurance from my midwife, I finally resigned to the fact that I did not cause this.

I cannot imagine having her job...and I cannot imagine the emotional toll it must take on someone to hear a baby's heartbeat in one room and then walk over to another room to give expecting parents the news she gave me.  I am sure it was not easy to watch me sob after being told you had no heartbeat.

At my check-up she asked me the usual post-partum questions.  She said I "looked good" even though I may not feel good on the inside.  That was so nice to hear. 

There is still so much pain. It was so painful seeing all the pregnant women in the waiting room today...full of excitement and hope for the future.  They had no idea that not long ago, I was sitting there just like them...so happy I had entered into the "safe" zone of pregnancy.  I was so naïve. I knew people could lose their babies in the second and third trimester...I just thought after three healthy boys that it would never happen to me. 

As I sat and waited to be called back, I started thinking about the last time I was in that waiting room...the morning of February 12th.  Even before we went in the ultrasound room, I could feel something was off.  I remember looking down at my belly and surprised that my baby bump didn't seem as big as the week before. The night before I had a lot of trouble sleeping.  I was NERVOUS about the ultrasound.  I don't remember ever being nervous like that with your brothers. Throughout that week I had also just not felt as pregnant.  I noticed I wasn't peeing as much, that I wasn't as thirsty, and that I was craving healthier foods (usually when I am pregnant that never happens...unfortunately). 

I told myself that this pregnancy felt different because maybe you were a girl.  I told myself I was being paranoid.  How I wish the outcome of that day would have been different.  How I wish my midwife could have come in the ultrasound room and said the ultrasound technician had made a mistake and that you were just fine.

Oh, Michael...I love and miss you so much. 

Since I was across the river for my check-up, I arranged to meet Megan in person because she lives relatively close to the hospital.  My doula knew Megan and she told me about her when I was in the hospital with you. Megan found out about her Connelly on the same day that I found out about you.  We were due just one day apart.  Megan and I have been texting a lot since we found out the awful thing we had in common.  Being able to text with her has been such a blessing and has made this journey so much more bearable.

We agreed to meet at a little café near the hospital; I got there a little early and ordered a Diet Coke and a peanut butter cookie (which turned out to be the best peanut butter cookie on the planet).  When she walked in I went up to her and gave her a hug and she felt like an old friend.  We had so much to talk about and we probably could have talked all day if I had not needed to get back home!

I bet you and Connelly are up in Heaven together now....I like to thing that the angels are taking care of you all until we can get there.

I also like to think about when Daddy and I will be in Heaven with you.  I like to picture that Daddy and I will get to raise you in Heaven. I imagine that we will hold you in our arms as we walk through the door to our home in Heaven and it will be like when we walked through our front door with your brothers after coming home from the hospital.  I think about rocking you on a cloud until you fall asleep and giving you lots of cuddles and kisses.  Obviously, I have no idea if this will actually happen but it gives me comfort as I drift off to sleep each night to think about it.

Your oldest brother still cries for you occasionally and he says "I want baby Michael" in the most pitiful voice.  Daddy and I tell him that we wish you were here too but that you are in such a wonderful place now.  Sometimes I think he cries for attention but it still makes me so sad.  I am glad he has his "Michael bear" to comfort him.  We pray with him when he gets upset about you and it seems to calm him down. Even though he is only 5 and a half, I feel like he is learning to trust God more because of this. 

I am learning to trust God more too.

With the events of the day, your loss is digging deep into my soul.  I want to hold you more than anything.  I love you my sweet Michael. 

Love,
Mommy

You Mattered

Dear Michael,

Today I feel so defeated and I just want you back.  My heart is broken. 

I started thinking about something Daddy said the other day and it brought me a little bit of comfort. You were in my womb for such a short time but you were there for some great times!  You were in my womb as we celebrated Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years. We celebrated several family birthdays. One of those birthdays was your second oldest brother's on January 5th.  His birthday was extra special this year because he came to the midwife office with me and I was looking forward to hearing your heartbeat with him in the room.  Your oldest brother was back at school that day. I remember ripping some paper from the large roll that covers the check up table and taking some crayons out of my purse for your brothers to decorate that paper while we waited for the midwife.  It may sound silly, but now I wish I had kept that paper instead of throwing it out before we left the office. 

Your brothers loved hearing your heart beat that day! I had no idea that would be the last time I would hear it beat.   

I cannot help but wish for more time with you.  Any time at all.  I wish I could have heard your heartbeat one more time or that I could have more ultrasound pictures of you.  I wish I could have carried you longer. I wish I could have given birth to you at full term...even knowing it would be the same heartbreaking outcome.  It is such a reminder to cherish every minute with your brothers and your daddy...because I never know which minute will be the last.

After I delivered you and held you, I was in awe of our Maker.  You were so perfectly formed.  The line from a Dr. Seuss book comes to mind when I think of you... "A person's a person, no matter how small."  While I was holding you, some unpleasant thoughts also came to mind.  I was appalled that anyone would ever end a life like yours willingly...even if that life had a birth defect or if that life wasn't planned.  I just stared at your tiny form, reveling in the fact that you were perfectly human...but disgusted at the fact it is perfectly legal to end lives just like yours. 

That is just insane to me.

It shocks me that people actually say things like "this probably happened to your baby because something was wrong with him, so it is better that it happened now."  Maybe there was something "wrong" with him but that statement does not give me any comfort.

Don't they realize that I would still rather have him with me?  Don't they understand that I would have taken SUCH good care of him and loved him with all my heart...no matter what?  Don't they realize that the value of life is not measured by how many days you have to live, or how those days will be spent? 

The value of life is measured by God, our Almighty Creator, because He breathed that life into existence.  If He breathed it into existence, it has value. Period.  He never intended for us to be in control of when a life ends.

Every single second of life matters.  Whether you are a month old in the womb or you are 100 years old in the hospital struggling for your last breath.

Michael, you mattered.  I love you so much sweet boy...and I long to see you in Heaven one day.

Love,
Mommy

Balloons

Dear Michael,

So far, today has been very hard.  I went to the gym this morning and had to tell a couple of people what happened to you.  It was hard walking up to them and telling them the news but I knew they would eventually notice my belly was not the same as the last time they saw me.  I did not want them to be put in the awkward position of asking me about you.

I am technically not even supposed to be working out yet but I had to get your brothers out of the house.  I just needed to be distracted.  But going there didn't distract me like I thought it would.  The whole time I was there, I thought of you. I used to think about how hard it was to get your brothers out the door there and I worried what it would be like trying to get all four of you out.  Now it seems so silly that I ever worried.  We would have been fine...because you would have been with us.

When we were driving home from the gym, I saw a red balloon bouncing along the sidewalk.  I thought it was so odd and out of place.  I guessed that it escaped from someone's trash can after a birthday party. My mind wandered to all the birthday parties I would miss with you. You would have LOVED celebrating with us!  Granny makes a cake every year and her cake is DELICIOUS.  She even made my cakes when I was little!  It was always funny watching your brothers eat cake for the first time...they didn't really care for it! I wish that we could watch you eat your first bite of cake too.

Every year I buy balloons for the birthday boy.  Your brothers love to play with the balloons at our birthday parties and I bet you would have joined right in with them!  I am sure you would have banged the balloons around like volleyballs and cried when the helium-filled balloon you were holding floated up to the ceiling, just out of reach. 

We have also started a tradition of coming in the birthday boy's room to sing to them in the morning before breakfast.  I always make cinnamon rolls on birthday morning and your brothers LOVE IT.  I bet you would have gobbled them up!  For the last birthday we had I actually thought about how I would have to make two or three pans of cinnamon rolls once you were here (and old enough to eat them).

I like to think that I will still get to experience all of these birthday traditions with you when I get to Heaven.  But if I don't, then I know whatever we experience will be much better than what I can come up with!  Until then...I love you my sweet boy. 

Mommy

The Best Laid Plans...

Dear Michael,

Life went on as normal today.  Daddy is back at work, my sister is back to California, and I am home alone with your three big brothers.  I fixed breakfast for them, took the youngest of your older brothers to the doctor, and did the usual chores around the house.  The pain is a little duller today than it has been...but I know that can change at any moment.   

You may not know this about me, but I am a BIG planner.  I love making lists and schedules.  I love just writing events down in my day planner.  So when I was about 14 weeks pregnant with you I added you to the schedule that I already had typed up for your brothers.  I added your approximate feeding times of every 2-3 hours so I could figure out what it would look like to manage my day with four kids under 6 years old.  I always enjoy nursing alone if I can arrange it so I try to have nursing times when the other kids are doing something independently. There was a lot to consider, like pick up and drop off at school for the older brothers, arranging their quiet times, screen times and meal times, etc. I enjoyed planning our days out, knowing that it would all likely change because I know how newborns are!  But still, I was SO EXCITED thinking of our days together! 

I imagined nursing you in the same chair where I nursed your brothers and I imagined the time Daddy and I would spend with you in the evenings when your brothers were asleep.  I imagined doing tummy time with you laying on my stomach, and I imagined taking a million pictures of you.  I imagined when Daddy would feed you your first bottle of pumped milk and I imagined your first stroller ride.  I imagined you sleeping with one of the soft and fuzzy star blankets that your brothers have.  They all love those blankets and I know you would have too.  I imagined so many things, but I never imagined you would be taken from me.

Today, I deleted your section off our family schedule.  I also decided not to send the youngest of your older brothers to pre-school like I had planned to if you had been here.  If I can't have you here with me then I want him to stay "the baby" and be with me. That may not be the best way to think about him considering he will be almost 3 in the fall, but that is how I feel right now.

Some days I think about having another baby but it scares me.  I would be devastated if I had to go through losing another baby.  I pray that God will guide us in that decision and that I will fully trust Him.  I pray that my will becomes His will. 

I love you,
Mommy