Dear Michael,
Life went on as normal today. Daddy is back at work, my sister is back to California, and I am home alone with your three big brothers. I fixed breakfast for them, took the youngest of your older brothers to the doctor, and did the usual chores around the house. The pain is a little duller today than it has been...but I know that can change at any moment.
You may not know this about me, but I am a BIG planner. I love making lists and schedules. I love just writing events down in my day planner. So when I was about 14 weeks pregnant with you I added you to the schedule that I already had typed up for your brothers. I added your approximate feeding times of every 2-3 hours so I could figure out what it would look like to manage my day with four kids under 6 years old. I always enjoy nursing alone if I can arrange it so I try to have nursing times when the other kids are doing something independently. There was a lot to consider, like pick up and drop off at school for the older brothers, arranging their quiet times, screen times and meal times, etc. I enjoyed planning our days out, knowing that it would all likely change because I know how newborns are! But still, I was SO EXCITED thinking of our days together!
I imagined nursing you in the same chair where I nursed your brothers and I imagined the time Daddy and I would spend with you in the evenings when your brothers were asleep. I imagined doing tummy time with you laying on my stomach, and I imagined taking a million pictures of you. I imagined when Daddy would feed you your first bottle of pumped milk and I imagined your first stroller ride. I imagined you sleeping with one of the soft and fuzzy star blankets that your brothers have. They all love those blankets and I know you would have too. I imagined so many things, but I never imagined you would be taken from me.
Today, I deleted your section off our family schedule. I also decided not to send the youngest of your older brothers to pre-school like I had planned to if you had been here. If I can't have you here with me then I want him to stay "the baby" and be with me. That may not be the best way to think about him considering he will be almost 3 in the fall, but that is how I feel right now.
Some days I think about having another baby but it scares me. I would be devastated if I had to go through losing another baby. I pray that God will guide us in that decision and that I will fully trust Him. I pray that my will becomes His will.
I love you,
Mommy
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