Dear Michael,
Today I feel so defeated and I just want you back. My heart is broken.
I started thinking about something Daddy said the other day and it brought me a little bit of comfort. You were in my womb for such a short time but you were there for some great times! You were in my womb as we celebrated Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years. We celebrated several family birthdays. One of those birthdays was your second oldest brother's on January 5th. His birthday was extra special this year because he came to the midwife office with me and I was looking forward to hearing your heartbeat with him in the room. Your oldest brother was back at school that day. I remember ripping some paper from the large roll that covers the check up table and taking some crayons out of my purse for your brothers to decorate that paper while we waited for the midwife. It may sound silly, but now I wish I had kept that paper instead of throwing it out before we left the office.
Your brothers loved hearing your heart beat that day! I had no idea that would be the last time I would hear it beat.
I cannot help but wish for more time with you. Any time at all. I wish I could have heard your heartbeat one more time or that I could have more ultrasound pictures of you. I wish I could have carried you longer. I wish I could have given birth to you at full term...even knowing it would be the same heartbreaking outcome. It is such a reminder to cherish every minute with your brothers and your daddy...because I never know which minute will be the last.
After I delivered you and held you, I was in awe of our Maker. You were so perfectly formed. The line from a Dr. Seuss book comes to mind when I think of you... "A person's a person, no matter how small." While I was holding you, some unpleasant thoughts also came to mind. I was appalled that anyone would ever end a life like yours willingly...even if that life had a birth defect or if that life wasn't planned. I just stared at your tiny form, reveling in the fact that you were perfectly human...but disgusted at the fact it is perfectly legal to end lives just like yours.
That is just insane to me.
It shocks me that people actually say things like "this probably happened to your baby because something was wrong with him, so it is better that it happened now." Maybe there was something "wrong" with him but that statement does not give me any comfort.
Don't they realize that I would still rather have him with me? Don't they understand that I would have taken SUCH good care of him and loved him with all my heart...no matter what? Don't they realize that the value of life is not measured by how many days you have to live, or how those days will be spent?
The value of life is measured by God, our Almighty Creator, because He breathed that life into existence. If He breathed it into existence, it has value. Period. He never intended for us to be in control of when a life ends.
Every single second of life matters. Whether you are a month old in the womb or you are 100 years old in the hospital struggling for your last breath.
Michael, you mattered. I love you so much sweet boy...and I long to see you in Heaven one day.
Love,
Mommy
Saturday, February 27, 2016
Tuesday, February 23, 2016
Balloons
Dear Michael,
So far, today has been very hard. I went to the gym this morning and had to tell a couple of people what happened to you. It was hard walking up to them and telling them the news but I knew they would eventually notice my belly was not the same as the last time they saw me. I did not want them to be put in the awkward position of asking me about you.
I am technically not even supposed to be working out yet but I had to get your brothers out of the house. I just needed to be distracted. But going there didn't distract me like I thought it would. The whole time I was there, I thought of you. I used to think about how hard it was to get your brothers out the door there and I worried what it would be like trying to get all four of you out. Now it seems so silly that I ever worried. We would have been fine...because you would have been with us.
When we were driving home from the gym, I saw a red balloon bouncing along the sidewalk. I thought it was so odd and out of place. I guessed that it escaped from someone's trash can after a birthday party. My mind wandered to all the birthday parties I would miss with you. You would have LOVED celebrating with us! Granny makes a cake every year and her cake is DELICIOUS. She even made my cakes when I was little! It was always funny watching your brothers eat cake for the first time...they didn't really care for it! I wish that we could watch you eat your first bite of cake too.
Every year I buy balloons for the birthday boy. Your brothers love to play with the balloons at our birthday parties and I bet you would have joined right in with them! I am sure you would have banged the balloons around like volleyballs and cried when the helium-filled balloon you were holding floated up to the ceiling, just out of reach.
We have also started a tradition of coming in the birthday boy's room to sing to them in the morning before breakfast. I always make cinnamon rolls on birthday morning and your brothers LOVE IT. I bet you would have gobbled them up! For the last birthday we had I actually thought about how I would have to make two or three pans of cinnamon rolls once you were here (and old enough to eat them).
I like to think that I will still get to experience all of these birthday traditions with you when I get to Heaven. But if I don't, then I know whatever we experience will be much better than what I can come up with! Until then...I love you my sweet boy.
Mommy
So far, today has been very hard. I went to the gym this morning and had to tell a couple of people what happened to you. It was hard walking up to them and telling them the news but I knew they would eventually notice my belly was not the same as the last time they saw me. I did not want them to be put in the awkward position of asking me about you.
I am technically not even supposed to be working out yet but I had to get your brothers out of the house. I just needed to be distracted. But going there didn't distract me like I thought it would. The whole time I was there, I thought of you. I used to think about how hard it was to get your brothers out the door there and I worried what it would be like trying to get all four of you out. Now it seems so silly that I ever worried. We would have been fine...because you would have been with us.
When we were driving home from the gym, I saw a red balloon bouncing along the sidewalk. I thought it was so odd and out of place. I guessed that it escaped from someone's trash can after a birthday party. My mind wandered to all the birthday parties I would miss with you. You would have LOVED celebrating with us! Granny makes a cake every year and her cake is DELICIOUS. She even made my cakes when I was little! It was always funny watching your brothers eat cake for the first time...they didn't really care for it! I wish that we could watch you eat your first bite of cake too.
Every year I buy balloons for the birthday boy. Your brothers love to play with the balloons at our birthday parties and I bet you would have joined right in with them! I am sure you would have banged the balloons around like volleyballs and cried when the helium-filled balloon you were holding floated up to the ceiling, just out of reach.
We have also started a tradition of coming in the birthday boy's room to sing to them in the morning before breakfast. I always make cinnamon rolls on birthday morning and your brothers LOVE IT. I bet you would have gobbled them up! For the last birthday we had I actually thought about how I would have to make two or three pans of cinnamon rolls once you were here (and old enough to eat them).
I like to think that I will still get to experience all of these birthday traditions with you when I get to Heaven. But if I don't, then I know whatever we experience will be much better than what I can come up with! Until then...I love you my sweet boy.
Mommy
Monday, February 22, 2016
The Best Laid Plans...
Dear Michael,
Life went on as normal today. Daddy is back at work, my sister is back to California, and I am home alone with your three big brothers. I fixed breakfast for them, took the youngest of your older brothers to the doctor, and did the usual chores around the house. The pain is a little duller today than it has been...but I know that can change at any moment.
You may not know this about me, but I am a BIG planner. I love making lists and schedules. I love just writing events down in my day planner. So when I was about 14 weeks pregnant with you I added you to the schedule that I already had typed up for your brothers. I added your approximate feeding times of every 2-3 hours so I could figure out what it would look like to manage my day with four kids under 6 years old. I always enjoy nursing alone if I can arrange it so I try to have nursing times when the other kids are doing something independently. There was a lot to consider, like pick up and drop off at school for the older brothers, arranging their quiet times, screen times and meal times, etc. I enjoyed planning our days out, knowing that it would all likely change because I know how newborns are! But still, I was SO EXCITED thinking of our days together!
I imagined nursing you in the same chair where I nursed your brothers and I imagined the time Daddy and I would spend with you in the evenings when your brothers were asleep. I imagined doing tummy time with you laying on my stomach, and I imagined taking a million pictures of you. I imagined when Daddy would feed you your first bottle of pumped milk and I imagined your first stroller ride. I imagined you sleeping with one of the soft and fuzzy star blankets that your brothers have. They all love those blankets and I know you would have too. I imagined so many things, but I never imagined you would be taken from me.
Today, I deleted your section off our family schedule. I also decided not to send the youngest of your older brothers to pre-school like I had planned to if you had been here. If I can't have you here with me then I want him to stay "the baby" and be with me. That may not be the best way to think about him considering he will be almost 3 in the fall, but that is how I feel right now.
Some days I think about having another baby but it scares me. I would be devastated if I had to go through losing another baby. I pray that God will guide us in that decision and that I will fully trust Him. I pray that my will becomes His will.
I love you,
Mommy
Life went on as normal today. Daddy is back at work, my sister is back to California, and I am home alone with your three big brothers. I fixed breakfast for them, took the youngest of your older brothers to the doctor, and did the usual chores around the house. The pain is a little duller today than it has been...but I know that can change at any moment.
You may not know this about me, but I am a BIG planner. I love making lists and schedules. I love just writing events down in my day planner. So when I was about 14 weeks pregnant with you I added you to the schedule that I already had typed up for your brothers. I added your approximate feeding times of every 2-3 hours so I could figure out what it would look like to manage my day with four kids under 6 years old. I always enjoy nursing alone if I can arrange it so I try to have nursing times when the other kids are doing something independently. There was a lot to consider, like pick up and drop off at school for the older brothers, arranging their quiet times, screen times and meal times, etc. I enjoyed planning our days out, knowing that it would all likely change because I know how newborns are! But still, I was SO EXCITED thinking of our days together!
I imagined nursing you in the same chair where I nursed your brothers and I imagined the time Daddy and I would spend with you in the evenings when your brothers were asleep. I imagined doing tummy time with you laying on my stomach, and I imagined taking a million pictures of you. I imagined when Daddy would feed you your first bottle of pumped milk and I imagined your first stroller ride. I imagined you sleeping with one of the soft and fuzzy star blankets that your brothers have. They all love those blankets and I know you would have too. I imagined so many things, but I never imagined you would be taken from me.
Today, I deleted your section off our family schedule. I also decided not to send the youngest of your older brothers to pre-school like I had planned to if you had been here. If I can't have you here with me then I want him to stay "the baby" and be with me. That may not be the best way to think about him considering he will be almost 3 in the fall, but that is how I feel right now.
Some days I think about having another baby but it scares me. I would be devastated if I had to go through losing another baby. I pray that God will guide us in that decision and that I will fully trust Him. I pray that my will becomes His will.
I love you,
Mommy
Sunday, February 21, 2016
Church
This was written on the Sermon Notes while at church.
Dear Michael,
I am in church now, trying to listen to the sermon but cannot. The sermon is about Credit Cards. I know there are great points being made in the sermon but it is so hard to focus when it feels like my world has fallen apart. My heart longs for you. My heart aches for you.
When we walked in the church doors I saw a newborn baby with his mom. Immediately I felt the milk in my chest and longed to nurse you. Until today, I never noticed how many babies there actually are at church. It seems everywhere I turn there is an expecting mom or a mom with a baby in her arms. It is painful seeing these moms hold their babies because every part of me longs to hold you and I can't.
I am so happy for each one of these moms, but it makes me wonder...how many times did a mom struggling with infertility or pregnancy loss or infant loss look at me holding my baby boys and experience the heartache and longing that I am feeling now? I am sure it has happened countless times and I never knew. I wish I could give each one of those moms a hug and tell them I am sorry for their loss and pain.
It is also very hard telling friends at church what happened to you and me. The last time everyone saw me, you were inside me. Now you are not. The last time everyone saw me, my belly was protruding and pregnant. Now it is not.
I am so thankful for your brothers but I want you here too. I love you so much sweet boy.
Mommy
Dear Michael,
I am in church now, trying to listen to the sermon but cannot. The sermon is about Credit Cards. I know there are great points being made in the sermon but it is so hard to focus when it feels like my world has fallen apart. My heart longs for you. My heart aches for you.
When we walked in the church doors I saw a newborn baby with his mom. Immediately I felt the milk in my chest and longed to nurse you. Until today, I never noticed how many babies there actually are at church. It seems everywhere I turn there is an expecting mom or a mom with a baby in her arms. It is painful seeing these moms hold their babies because every part of me longs to hold you and I can't.
I am so happy for each one of these moms, but it makes me wonder...how many times did a mom struggling with infertility or pregnancy loss or infant loss look at me holding my baby boys and experience the heartache and longing that I am feeling now? I am sure it has happened countless times and I never knew. I wish I could give each one of those moms a hug and tell them I am sorry for their loss and pain.
It is also very hard telling friends at church what happened to you and me. The last time everyone saw me, you were inside me. Now you are not. The last time everyone saw me, my belly was protruding and pregnant. Now it is not.
I am so thankful for your brothers but I want you here too. I love you so much sweet boy.
Mommy
Saturday, February 20, 2016
Michael's Burial
Dear Michael,
Yesterday Daddy and I made the decision to bury you at Papa and Grandma's house because they have a beautiful wooded area as a part of their land. We wanted some place out of the way but a place we could visit often and a place we could take your brothers to visit one day. As we walked around the wooded area looking for a spot, I felt like Daddy was leading me back in time. Partly because Daddy was telling me all kinds of stories from his childhood and partly because I was wearing something that Daddy had worn in high school to keep me warm: his baseball team jacket. Daddy shared with me the memories he had of playing in the woods with your uncles and listening to these memories reassured my heart that burying you in "his" woods was the best thing to do.
We searched for the perfect spot for you. When we saw an old baseball on the ground I felt like it was a sign that we should bury you where the baseball was laying. Your Daddy probably hit that baseball at some point, and maybe your uncles too. We both agreed it was the right spot for you and Daddy showed Papa where we wanted him to dig. We drove back home, trying to prepare our hearts for what the next day would bring.
Papa spent hours of the morning clearing a path leading up to your grave and he dug through rock to make the perfect resting place for you. I was so touched by all he did. When I apologized to him for having to do this on his birthday he replied that he was glad he got to do something for his grandson on his own birthday. Papa is so kind...and he loves you so much. After all of Papa's hard work, he went back to their house to give Daddy and me privacy.
We couldn't have asked for a more beautiful day to bury you! The sky was blue, the air was fresh with the scent of early spring, and the sun was warm and shining brightly through the clouds. There was a perfect breeze, strong enough to let us know God was there but gentle enough to let us know you were there too. I felt like God made the beautiful day just for you.
It was around 2 o'clock in the afternoon when Daddy put your little box in the hole that Papa dug. Daddy began shoveling dirt into the hole and I shoveled a little in too. I noticed an airplane flying over head and it made me smile because I thought of how much your brothers liked watching airplanes and it seemed appropriate that one would fly over at that moment.
After we buried you, Daddy and I prayed and cried together. As we prayed, gun shots rang in the distance (probably from someone having target practice) and it reminded me of a military salute at a soldier's funeral. Even with the noises from the plane and gun, it was so peaceful. I welcomed these loud sounds because they were such perfect sounds for a little boy.
Daddy put his arm around me as we stood there looking at your resting place. I felt so loved by him in that moment and I could feel his deep love for you too. As the sun shined through the trees and warmed our skin, I could feel God's love for us too.
This has been a very hard week and I am glad it is over...but sad too. We have spent so much time planning your memorial service and burial and now there is nothing left to plan for you. Life has to go on. It doesn't seem right to go back to our normal routines, but it has to be done.
I know I will think of you everyday. And I will talk about you often. You will never be forgotten my sweet baby.
I love you,
Mommy
Yesterday Daddy and I made the decision to bury you at Papa and Grandma's house because they have a beautiful wooded area as a part of their land. We wanted some place out of the way but a place we could visit often and a place we could take your brothers to visit one day. As we walked around the wooded area looking for a spot, I felt like Daddy was leading me back in time. Partly because Daddy was telling me all kinds of stories from his childhood and partly because I was wearing something that Daddy had worn in high school to keep me warm: his baseball team jacket. Daddy shared with me the memories he had of playing in the woods with your uncles and listening to these memories reassured my heart that burying you in "his" woods was the best thing to do.
We searched for the perfect spot for you. When we saw an old baseball on the ground I felt like it was a sign that we should bury you where the baseball was laying. Your Daddy probably hit that baseball at some point, and maybe your uncles too. We both agreed it was the right spot for you and Daddy showed Papa where we wanted him to dig. We drove back home, trying to prepare our hearts for what the next day would bring.
Papa spent hours of the morning clearing a path leading up to your grave and he dug through rock to make the perfect resting place for you. I was so touched by all he did. When I apologized to him for having to do this on his birthday he replied that he was glad he got to do something for his grandson on his own birthday. Papa is so kind...and he loves you so much. After all of Papa's hard work, he went back to their house to give Daddy and me privacy.
We couldn't have asked for a more beautiful day to bury you! The sky was blue, the air was fresh with the scent of early spring, and the sun was warm and shining brightly through the clouds. There was a perfect breeze, strong enough to let us know God was there but gentle enough to let us know you were there too. I felt like God made the beautiful day just for you.
It was around 2 o'clock in the afternoon when Daddy put your little box in the hole that Papa dug. Daddy began shoveling dirt into the hole and I shoveled a little in too. I noticed an airplane flying over head and it made me smile because I thought of how much your brothers liked watching airplanes and it seemed appropriate that one would fly over at that moment.
After we buried you, Daddy and I prayed and cried together. As we prayed, gun shots rang in the distance (probably from someone having target practice) and it reminded me of a military salute at a soldier's funeral. Even with the noises from the plane and gun, it was so peaceful. I welcomed these loud sounds because they were such perfect sounds for a little boy.
Daddy put his arm around me as we stood there looking at your resting place. I felt so loved by him in that moment and I could feel his deep love for you too. As the sun shined through the trees and warmed our skin, I could feel God's love for us too.
This has been a very hard week and I am glad it is over...but sad too. We have spent so much time planning your memorial service and burial and now there is nothing left to plan for you. Life has to go on. It doesn't seem right to go back to our normal routines, but it has to be done.
I know I will think of you everyday. And I will talk about you often. You will never be forgotten my sweet baby.
I love you,
Mommy
Sunday, February 14, 2016
Michael's Story
This letter was started on February 14th and I read it at Michael's memorial service on February 17th . I added to the letter on March 12th when I was submitting it to facesofloss.com. To view my letter from this website, click here on this link: http://facesofloss.com/
Dear Michael Jeremiah,
On October 30, 2015, Daddy and I found out we were 5 weeks pregnant with you. We were so surprised and excited! Your due date was July 3, 2016. We had family photos taken in November so we could make a special Christmas card announcing you! On December 14, 2015 we went to your 11 week ultrasound and got to see you for the first time. We loved listening to your strong heartbeat. Afterwards, we told our families about you and everyone was excited. We gave your grandparents Christmas ornaments announcing you and we let your brothers each hold an ultrasound picture. I will never forget your oldest brother’s love for you. When we told him we were pregnant, he jumped up and down and pumped his arms in the air saying “Yes! Yes! Yes!” Then he said “I hope it’s a GIRL!” I later told him I was pretty sure you would be a boy but he never believed me. Your oldest brother hugged and kissed my belly EVERY NIGHT before bed. He was so excited about you!
On January 5th, 2016 I went to your 14 week check up. The younger two of your older brothers were with me and we got to hear your heartbeat again. It was your second oldest brother’s 4th birthday so I thought that was a special treat for him. He liked to say “the baby is behind your pocket” because I often wore sweatshirts and had a big pocket over the lower part of my belly. I was craving lots of carbohydrates with you (some favorites were tortilla chips and potato skins). On January 16, 2016 I felt the tiny flutter of first movement. Daddy and I were on the way to Logan’s for dinner and I said to Daddy, “I feel the baby moving! I thought I felt the baby earlier today but wasn’t sure until now.” I will cherish the time I had with you growing inside me. As my belly grew and grew, I kept imagining who you would be. We had no idea we would have to say goodbye so soon.
On February 12, 2016 we went to your 19 week ultrasound, excited to find out what gender you were. But instead we found out you went to Heaven. We arrived at the hospital around 11:30 a.m. on February 13, 2016 to be induced. It was a cold day but it was beautiful and sunny with blue skies. Labor started around 3:30 p.m. and the nurses there were so kind to me. I asked for a half dose of IV pain medication around 5 p.m. and then another half dose at 6:30 p.m. The contractions were getting stronger and more painful but the IV medication took the edge off of them. I ate some yummy cherry popsicles and one of your aunts stopped by to bring Zaxby’s for dinner. I didn’t eat but did enjoy the Coke that your aunt gave me! After she left, I dozed off a little. Around 8:00 p.m. I was pretty sure you were coming and asked the nurses to check me. They insisted I still had a while but I knew from the pain that I didn’t! Then at 8:20 p.m., you were born.
My doula arrived right as you were being born and took pictures of you, which I will cherish always. I was unsure of what you would look like since you were born 21 weeks early but when the nurses put you in a tiny blanket and handed you to me, Daddy and I stared in awe because God created you so perfectly. We touched your stomach and head and counted your ten tiny fingers and ten tiny toes. We looked at your eyes, ears, mouth and nose and we marveled at your features. But my favorite feature of yours was your ribs. They were so delicate and perfect. My midwife arrived and checked you out and told us you looked perfect.
Daddy and I helped to get your tiny footprints on the keepsake birth certificate. Daddy got to cut your tiny umbilical cord and it was such a sad but special moment. The nurses made a little bed for you where you could rest and we received a beautiful white keepsake box with items to remind us of you. The nurses also gave us a teddy bear made from one of the hospital receiving blankets. When I hold this “Michael bear” I will think of holding you my precious one. I slept with this bear when we stayed the night in the hospital and it brought me great comfort. I am sure I will sleep with it for months to come.
The next morning we wrote your name, weight, length and time of birth on the keepsake birth certificate. Daddy very carefully wrote “Michael Jeremiah” while I was getting some blood work done. I looked over and smiled when I saw the precision he was using to write your name and I could see how much he loved you. We had carefully picked your name two days before. I had wanted your name to be something angelic and Daddy suggested Michael because he was the archangel in the Bible. “Michael” also means “Who is like God.” Daddy also suggested “Jeremiah” for your middle name. One of our favorite verses in the Bible reminds us of you: “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart…” Jeremiah 1:5. And oh sweet boy, how true this verse is for you… He knew you before you were in my womb and He did set you apart. You have made such an impact on our lives. “Jeremiah” also means “appointed by God.” Our love for you is so great, but God loves you even more than we do. And you are in His arms now, precious baby.
As we left the hospital on the morning of Valentine’s Day it was gently snowing. The flakes were light and beautiful. When we arrived home the sadness overwhelmed me because I thought of all the things we would miss with you. But then I reminded myself that you are in Heaven and you are not missing out on a single thing. We are experiencing great loss but you are experiencing great gain. The snow continued to fall throughout the day and by night time the ground was covered with white, pure snow. I looked out the window and thought of you in Heaven, as pure and beautiful as the snow before me. As I sit here writing this letter, your second oldest brother is singing “He’s Got the Whole World In His Hands” while he is in bed and it is soothing to my broken heart. It is so true, sweet Michael, God has the whole world in His hands and you are right there with Him.
Daddy bought me flowers for Valentine ’s Day. He wanted to buy violets because violets are the flower for February and we were going to name you Violet if you were a girl. Violets represent faithfulness and hope. We have faith that God has a plan and even though we don’t know how everything will work out, we have an enduring hope in Christ. Daddy couldn’t find violets but since violets are usually purple, he bought a beautiful bouquet of purple freesias and a type of purple aster for me. Whenever I see purple flowers I will remember you, sweet boy.
My milk came in the next day. This was very hard because I wanted so badly to nurse you and hold you. I pumped a tiny bottle of milk so we could bury you with it. I felt it was a way I could take care of you. I also wrote the words to “Jesus Loves Me” on a piece of paper to be buried with you. I sing those words to your brothers every night and wanted you to have that too. Three weeks later my milk was completely gone and even though I knew it was coming, it made me sad. It felt like it was one more step away from you.
You have so many people who love you my sweet Michael. You have Daddy, Mommy, and your three brothers. I pray you will get to meet them in Heaven one day. You have all your aunts and uncles and cousins. They love you too and we pray they will meet you in Heaven one day as well. You have some very loving grandparents and you will be remembered by everyone! I feel blessed to have carried you and am thankful for every second of life you had inside of me. I love you my precious Michael Jeremiah and I look forward to the day when I can hold you once more.
Love,
Mommy
Dear Michael Jeremiah,
On October 30, 2015, Daddy and I found out we were 5 weeks pregnant with you. We were so surprised and excited! Your due date was July 3, 2016. We had family photos taken in November so we could make a special Christmas card announcing you! On December 14, 2015 we went to your 11 week ultrasound and got to see you for the first time. We loved listening to your strong heartbeat. Afterwards, we told our families about you and everyone was excited. We gave your grandparents Christmas ornaments announcing you and we let your brothers each hold an ultrasound picture. I will never forget your oldest brother’s love for you. When we told him we were pregnant, he jumped up and down and pumped his arms in the air saying “Yes! Yes! Yes!” Then he said “I hope it’s a GIRL!” I later told him I was pretty sure you would be a boy but he never believed me. Your oldest brother hugged and kissed my belly EVERY NIGHT before bed. He was so excited about you!
On January 5th, 2016 I went to your 14 week check up. The younger two of your older brothers were with me and we got to hear your heartbeat again. It was your second oldest brother’s 4th birthday so I thought that was a special treat for him. He liked to say “the baby is behind your pocket” because I often wore sweatshirts and had a big pocket over the lower part of my belly. I was craving lots of carbohydrates with you (some favorites were tortilla chips and potato skins). On January 16, 2016 I felt the tiny flutter of first movement. Daddy and I were on the way to Logan’s for dinner and I said to Daddy, “I feel the baby moving! I thought I felt the baby earlier today but wasn’t sure until now.” I will cherish the time I had with you growing inside me. As my belly grew and grew, I kept imagining who you would be. We had no idea we would have to say goodbye so soon.
On February 12, 2016 we went to your 19 week ultrasound, excited to find out what gender you were. But instead we found out you went to Heaven. We arrived at the hospital around 11:30 a.m. on February 13, 2016 to be induced. It was a cold day but it was beautiful and sunny with blue skies. Labor started around 3:30 p.m. and the nurses there were so kind to me. I asked for a half dose of IV pain medication around 5 p.m. and then another half dose at 6:30 p.m. The contractions were getting stronger and more painful but the IV medication took the edge off of them. I ate some yummy cherry popsicles and one of your aunts stopped by to bring Zaxby’s for dinner. I didn’t eat but did enjoy the Coke that your aunt gave me! After she left, I dozed off a little. Around 8:00 p.m. I was pretty sure you were coming and asked the nurses to check me. They insisted I still had a while but I knew from the pain that I didn’t! Then at 8:20 p.m., you were born.
My doula arrived right as you were being born and took pictures of you, which I will cherish always. I was unsure of what you would look like since you were born 21 weeks early but when the nurses put you in a tiny blanket and handed you to me, Daddy and I stared in awe because God created you so perfectly. We touched your stomach and head and counted your ten tiny fingers and ten tiny toes. We looked at your eyes, ears, mouth and nose and we marveled at your features. But my favorite feature of yours was your ribs. They were so delicate and perfect. My midwife arrived and checked you out and told us you looked perfect.
Daddy and I helped to get your tiny footprints on the keepsake birth certificate. Daddy got to cut your tiny umbilical cord and it was such a sad but special moment. The nurses made a little bed for you where you could rest and we received a beautiful white keepsake box with items to remind us of you. The nurses also gave us a teddy bear made from one of the hospital receiving blankets. When I hold this “Michael bear” I will think of holding you my precious one. I slept with this bear when we stayed the night in the hospital and it brought me great comfort. I am sure I will sleep with it for months to come.
The next morning we wrote your name, weight, length and time of birth on the keepsake birth certificate. Daddy very carefully wrote “Michael Jeremiah” while I was getting some blood work done. I looked over and smiled when I saw the precision he was using to write your name and I could see how much he loved you. We had carefully picked your name two days before. I had wanted your name to be something angelic and Daddy suggested Michael because he was the archangel in the Bible. “Michael” also means “Who is like God.” Daddy also suggested “Jeremiah” for your middle name. One of our favorite verses in the Bible reminds us of you: “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart…” Jeremiah 1:5. And oh sweet boy, how true this verse is for you… He knew you before you were in my womb and He did set you apart. You have made such an impact on our lives. “Jeremiah” also means “appointed by God.” Our love for you is so great, but God loves you even more than we do. And you are in His arms now, precious baby.
As we left the hospital on the morning of Valentine’s Day it was gently snowing. The flakes were light and beautiful. When we arrived home the sadness overwhelmed me because I thought of all the things we would miss with you. But then I reminded myself that you are in Heaven and you are not missing out on a single thing. We are experiencing great loss but you are experiencing great gain. The snow continued to fall throughout the day and by night time the ground was covered with white, pure snow. I looked out the window and thought of you in Heaven, as pure and beautiful as the snow before me. As I sit here writing this letter, your second oldest brother is singing “He’s Got the Whole World In His Hands” while he is in bed and it is soothing to my broken heart. It is so true, sweet Michael, God has the whole world in His hands and you are right there with Him.
Daddy bought me flowers for Valentine ’s Day. He wanted to buy violets because violets are the flower for February and we were going to name you Violet if you were a girl. Violets represent faithfulness and hope. We have faith that God has a plan and even though we don’t know how everything will work out, we have an enduring hope in Christ. Daddy couldn’t find violets but since violets are usually purple, he bought a beautiful bouquet of purple freesias and a type of purple aster for me. Whenever I see purple flowers I will remember you, sweet boy.
My milk came in the next day. This was very hard because I wanted so badly to nurse you and hold you. I pumped a tiny bottle of milk so we could bury you with it. I felt it was a way I could take care of you. I also wrote the words to “Jesus Loves Me” on a piece of paper to be buried with you. I sing those words to your brothers every night and wanted you to have that too. Three weeks later my milk was completely gone and even though I knew it was coming, it made me sad. It felt like it was one more step away from you.
You have so many people who love you my sweet Michael. You have Daddy, Mommy, and your three brothers. I pray you will get to meet them in Heaven one day. You have all your aunts and uncles and cousins. They love you too and we pray they will meet you in Heaven one day as well. You have some very loving grandparents and you will be remembered by everyone! I feel blessed to have carried you and am thankful for every second of life you had inside of me. I love you my precious Michael Jeremiah and I look forward to the day when I can hold you once more.
Love,
Mommy
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