You Mattered

Dear Michael,

Today I feel so defeated and I just want you back.  My heart is broken. 

I started thinking about something Daddy said the other day and it brought me a little bit of comfort. You were in my womb for such a short time but you were there for some great times!  You were in my womb as we celebrated Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years. We celebrated several family birthdays. One of those birthdays was your second oldest brother's on January 5th.  His birthday was extra special this year because he came to the midwife office with me and I was looking forward to hearing your heartbeat with him in the room.  Your oldest brother was back at school that day. I remember ripping some paper from the large roll that covers the check up table and taking some crayons out of my purse for your brothers to decorate that paper while we waited for the midwife.  It may sound silly, but now I wish I had kept that paper instead of throwing it out before we left the office. 

Your brothers loved hearing your heart beat that day! I had no idea that would be the last time I would hear it beat.   

I cannot help but wish for more time with you.  Any time at all.  I wish I could have heard your heartbeat one more time or that I could have more ultrasound pictures of you.  I wish I could have carried you longer. I wish I could have given birth to you at full term...even knowing it would be the same heartbreaking outcome.  It is such a reminder to cherish every minute with your brothers and your daddy...because I never know which minute will be the last.

After I delivered you and held you, I was in awe of our Maker.  You were so perfectly formed.  The line from a Dr. Seuss book comes to mind when I think of you... "A person's a person, no matter how small."  While I was holding you, some unpleasant thoughts also came to mind.  I was appalled that anyone would ever end a life like yours willingly...even if that life had a birth defect or if that life wasn't planned.  I just stared at your tiny form, reveling in the fact that you were perfectly human...but disgusted at the fact it is perfectly legal to end lives just like yours. 

That is just insane to me.

It shocks me that people actually say things like "this probably happened to your baby because something was wrong with him, so it is better that it happened now."  Maybe there was something "wrong" with him but that statement does not give me any comfort.

Don't they realize that I would still rather have him with me?  Don't they understand that I would have taken SUCH good care of him and loved him with all my heart...no matter what?  Don't they realize that the value of life is not measured by how many days you have to live, or how those days will be spent? 

The value of life is measured by God, our Almighty Creator, because He breathed that life into existence.  If He breathed it into existence, it has value. Period.  He never intended for us to be in control of when a life ends.

Every single second of life matters.  Whether you are a month old in the womb or you are 100 years old in the hospital struggling for your last breath.

Michael, you mattered.  I love you so much sweet boy...and I long to see you in Heaven one day.

Love,
Mommy