Irreplaceable

Dear Michael,

We went to Cumberland Falls last weekend.  Daddy and I took our honeymoon there and we decided last minute to go there again.  I have been so down the past week and just needed something to look forward to.  We hiked and talked a lot about you. We saw a beautiful rainbow and I thought about you; I saw several butterflies and thought of you too. 

The rainbow made me think of Megan and Connelly too because she sang Somewhere Over the Rainbow to him.  I took a picture of the rainbow and wrote his name in the sand and took a picture of it for her.  I was going to write your name in the sand too but I decided to wait until we went to the beach in August. 

Daddy and I are trying to get pregnant.  It is so funny that you were a surprise but it was no surprise how badly we wanted you once we found out.  We loved you so much.  Losing you made me want to try again for another baby.  Not to replace you...you are irreplaceable.  But I cannot help it...the desire to have another baby is so strong...stronger than it has ever been.  I had so many thoughts about you and how you were going to be the last.  Now I pray you will not be the last. 

I want another baby for many reasons. One of those reasons is just to cherish every moment.  I took it for granted with your brothers.... took it for granted because I was trying to "get through it" and I assumed they wouldn't be the last.  I never thought about losing them or losing any other babies.  I wish I had cherished moments with them more. 

I know I have learned from this.  I have learned to cherish the moments I have with them NOW.  I don't want to wish them away or wish for it to be easier.  It is perfect just how it is. 

It is perfect because they are here and they are mine. But I know they are God's first.  I pray I get many, many years with them but I know there is a possibility that won't happen. 

This doesn't make God unfair.  It just means that life happens.  No matter what, I need to trust Him.  And trust that in all things He will work for the good of those who love Him. 

Love,
Mommy