So Familiar

Dear Michael, 

I miss you. If you were here now you would be a few weeks old. I would probably be nursing you. Trying to keep you awake for the feeding. Listening to the little gulps you take. Watching milk dribble out the side of your perfect mouth. Daddy would change your diaper to wake you back up after you nursed off the first side. Then he would swaddle you back up before you nursed off the second side so you would be nice and cozy. Then you would nurse for a few minutes, be drowsy and I would put you in the rock n play sleeper. You would drift to sleep and I would go to bed hoping for a few hours of sleep.

 It is all so familiar, something I did over and over with your brothers...but something I will never get to do with you. All those times with your brothers...I took it for granted. Stroking their fine, silky hair as I held them...looking at their little chubby fists open and close as they ate...always knowing they were perfect but never really comprehending how miraculous they were.

Now I know.

I beg God daily...praying I will get to experience these sweet moments with your new brother or sister. Promising Him and myself I will appreciate it more this time.

I know that does not guarantee anything...but I will keep pouring out my heart to God. Even if I do not have my desires fulfilled. I know God knows best. 

I know He is in control. 

And I know you know too. He has got you right there with Him.

Love,

Mommy

Plane

Dear Michael,

I miss you a lot right now. I am on a plane back home from visiting Aunt Courtney and I started thinking of you and can barely hold back tears. Thankfully the flight attendant just sprayed a Coke everywhere on accident and it provided some comic relief for me.

There is a pregnant woman across from me and I looked over at her belly and could tell she was 30ish weeks and it just hurt that I never got that far with you.  I wish I could hold you again.  It stinks being so emotional on the plane. There is nowhere to go so I just have to awkwardly cry in my seat among strangers.

I feel like I am having another boy. I pray daily I will get to hold him alive. I am so scared. I know you are happy in Heaven but we still miss you, of course. Lincoln still does too. I am terrified of the same thing happening to the new baby because I cannot bare for Lincoln to hurt more. I think Colson is hurting too but he expresses it differently...through acting out.

I just want this all to be ok. I want to fast forward to January and have this baby in my arms. Of course, that will not take away how much I miss you.

I love you always.

Mommy