Mixed Emotions

Dear Michael,

I had to leave the YMCA just now because I was overwhelmed with sadness and began sobbing right there on the elliptical.  I came out to my car in the parking lot so I could write you.

I didn't know how hard this would be. I want this baby, just like I wanted you, but the past week I have gone from worrying about something happening to the baby to feeling so sad and guilty. I kind of wish we had waited to tell our family and close friends about the new baby until after your due date.

I am just having a hard time because your due date is getting closer and while I was working out I saw two very pregnant women...I am guessing their babies are due about the same time as you were. I am supposed to be them right now...huge and swollen and ready to pop.  So a part of me wishes for you back...and then I feel guilty because if that happened, I wouldn't be pregnant now with your little brother or sister. I feel so confused and sad.

If we had waited to tell others about the new baby then I am sure I would have felt bad that way too. Because I was so happy when I found out, I wanted to share the news with other people who would be happy about it too. I thought it would take away some of the pain I felt from losing you. But it seems to have just made it worse. Instead of feeling only sad, now I feel sad, confused and guilty all at the same time.

I love you so much Michael. We are planning to have a get together at our house on your due date. We are trying to turn a sad day into a way to honor you. We are asking people to bring books to the get together so we can donate them in your memory. I am looking forward to that. I pray the new baby will be ok. I truly desire a "rainbow baby." I have hope too because of this new pregnancy. That is one emotion mixed in with all the others that I like.

I love you so much sweet boy. I know God is taking good care of you in Heaven.

Love,
Mommy

New Baby

Dear Michael,

Daddy and I found out on May 19th that we are expecting a new baby in late January.  When I told Daddy that morning he was so excited!  I was excited too...for about two hours.

Then, the worry took over.  The anxiety gripped my heart and I had trouble breathing.  My chest felt so tight...partly from missing you and partly from assuming something bad would happen to this baby too.  I keep praying for God's protection and for me to be able to accept whatever His will is.

I am looking forward to meeting your new brother or sister but no baby will ever replace you.  There will always be a hole in my heart that can only be filled by you...just like your brothers and this new baby have a special place in my heart that can only be filled by them.

The night before I found out I was pregnant I took my last pre-natal vitamin from "your" bottle.  I had continued taking them because I thought we would try to get pregnant again soon. It broke my heart.  I don't know if I will even be able to throw the bottle away.  The next night, as I opened a brand new bottle of pre-natal vitamins it hit me that I was starting a brand new bottle on the exact day I found out I was pregnant again.  That seemed fitting to me, but also very sad.

I kind of like that before I knew I was pregnant, your brother or sister growing inside of me got the same nutrients from the same bottle of vitamins as you. I know that is so strange. 

I peaked at Lincoln tonight while he was asleep and he was holding his Michael Bear. That made me so happy. As I watched him, I wondered how long he would sleep with it...and then I wondered how long I would sleep with mine.  I am glad Lincoln talks about you often.  I wish more people would talk about you but I know it is not on everyone's mind all of the time like it is mine.  I know everyone has their own struggles.  I just love when people say your name. 

We haven't figured out when we will tell everyone about your brother or sister.  We waited until about 11 weeks to tell everyone about you.  Lincoln was so upset when we lost you...I just don't want to see him like that again.  I am afraid it will be too much for me to handle if this baby dies too and we have to tell Lincoln.

Daddy seems to be protective of your little brother or sister, it is very sweet.  The boys were being so rough, playing like usual, and they began to flail around and almost hit me in the stomach. Daddy made sure they knew it was not ok to be like that with Mommy.  He was very stern with them.  He hasn't said he is scared of losing the new baby, but I know on some level he has to be.  He misses you so much.

Daddy thinks we are having a girl, but he said that about Andrew and you too.  I think this time he might be right.  I have never felt like we were having a girl before...I guess we will find out at the end of summer.  I am praying for a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby (or babies)!

I love you,
Mommy

Beauty from the Storms

Dear Michael,

I was emotional all morning.  As I was driving home from my morning workout, I began to think about the Mother's Day Tea I was attending later at Lincoln's school. I had been looking forward to it for a while but I could not help but be reminded that I wouldn't have you with me for Mother's Day.  The emotion overtook me and the sobbing that has become so familiar began.

Tears streamed down my face as I drove and felt that ache in my heart, an ache reserved only for you.  I was thankful that Colson and Andrew were being relatively quiet as they seemed to be listening to the music on the radio. We were listening to our usual Christian music station.  As my sadness surrounded me, one of my favorite songs began to play: "Better is One Day."  I was comforted by the reminder that it is better to spend one day with the Lord than thousands here on Earth.

I know you are in the best place possible, and not just for one day, but for eternity!

As the song played and soothed my soul, I kept driving forward.  I noticed two different skies above me.  In front of me, there were white, puffy clouds in a sunny, light blue sky.  But when I looked in my rearview mirror, I saw a solid dark gray sky from the storm that had just passed.  The sky behind me was the color of charcoal and it was a contrasting backdrop for the bright green spring trees.  The sky behind me was so dark, yet so unusually beautiful.

I couldn't help but steal glances and look back at it as I drove toward the cheerful blue sky. The scene behind me took my breath away...it was just that beautiful.

I was reminded that when we go through the storms of life, which can be dark and scary, there is beauty in those times too...maybe not always in the midst of the storm...but in the aftermath.  My precious Michael, losing you was like being in a storm...it was dark and scary.  But it honestly has not been hard to find the beauty from this storm...there is beauty in how my heart and our family has been forever changed by you.

As I drove, the dark skies became distant behind me and the bright, sunny skies became closer.  While driving toward the calm blue sky and the gigantic, light clouds, I was reminded of our Father.   I was reminded of the hope I have for the future; hope as bright as the sky before me.  I must keep looking forward to Him and His promises.  I must keep savoring the moments of motherhood with your brothers, even if I can't savor them with you. 

I may be moving forward to sunny skies, and there is beauty in that too...but that doesn't mean I will forget the beauty that comes from the storms.