Always Your Mommy

Hey buddy,

I probably won't be writing as much anymore.  I know you know that I love you.  But I know you know I have to be fully present for your brothers too.  I have been withdrawing from them a lot and I don't want to do that to them.  I will keep your memory alive by doing the RAK with your brothers and by holding my "Michael bear" like I would hold you.  I will always have you in my heart. 

I will think of you when I cook dinner for our family...wishing I could cook for you too.  I will think of you when I buy clothes for your brothers...wishing I could buy clothes for you too.  I will think of you when I read books like "Good Night, Good Night Construction Site" to your silly brothers.  They love that book so much and I know you would have too.  I will think of you when I buy gifts for your brothers. And every holiday and birthday I will also think of you.

Even if I am not speaking about you...know that I am always thinking about you.

There are so many things I want to do for you but I just can't.  I want to teach you about life and God.  But I know you have everything you need in Heaven...the truth is, you don't need me at all.  And that breaks my heart and makes me thankful to God all at the same time.

I just want you to know that even if we have another baby, you will ALWAYS be my 4th boy.  You will always be loved.  Your life was so important and mattered so much.  It has changed me forever.  I know not to take things for granted...not to take Daddy or your brothers for granted...because we are not guaranteed to be together on this earth for any length of time.

Of course, God could make life perfect for us if He wanted, but then we wouldn't grow...we wouldn't be closer to Him and closer to others.  Your life and death have made me compassionante in a way I never would have been before.  I will forever cherish that.

And I know now that life is hard.  God never promised it wouldn't be.  But no matter what else comes my way- whatever loss, whatever pain, whatever sickness- I trust God. I trust His plan. I trust His will.  I trust that the Holy Spirit and the body of Christ will help me through any trials that come my way.  I have learned so much, Michael, and it is all because of you. 

I love you so much. So, so, so much.  Please wait for me in Heaven.  I will be there to hold you one day.

Love,
Mommy