Ugly Cry

Dear Michael,

I am learning so much about grief. 

Megan posted something really wise on Facebook: "I used to think you were either happy, or you were sad... I'm learning that you can hold both of those at the same time. I can be genuinely happy, laughing and singing with Beckett. You can take my picture and life looks grand posted on Facebook. Yet, at the same time I'm disastrously sad, holding a broken heart, genuinely shattered. I hold them both, at the same time. Sometimes one at the surface, sometimes the other. Be kind to those around you, you just never know what all they may be holding."

This mirrors exactly how I feel.  It is also overwhelming to think about the grief and pain so many around me are holding inside and I don't even know it. 

When I went to get my haircut today, there were so many people happily chatting around me.  I envied them because they seemed so carefree, but then I remembered that they hold their own sorrows too...some of them are holding sorrows that I cannot even imagine.  I vividly remember the last time I got my haircut.  It was January and I was pregnant with you.  I had no idea the sorrow that would soon be coming my way.

That day, I remember feeling proud of my growing belly and I felt cute in my new maternity shirt, my maternity skinny jeans, and my knee-high slouchy boots.  I had even put on make-up, which is rare for me!

I walked in from the cold, gray day and sat by the fireplace in the waiting area.  As I sat down, I secretly hoped someone would notice my belly and ask about you.  I wanted to talk about how I thought you would be my fourth boy and how I was hoping you would come a little early and be here in June.  Everyone was so engrossed in their smart phones so of course nobody struck up a conversation, which is all too common these days.  I am one of the weird people in the world that likes making small talk...I even really like talking to people on planes and am disappointed if I am seated next to a non-talker, haha!

While I waited, a receptionist came over to me and asked if I wanted to go on and schedule my appointments for all of 2016.  I LOVE to plan ahead, so I said "Sure!"  I scheduled one for spring, one for fall and one for winter.  I wanted to skip a summer haircut because I figured you would be born in late June or early July and I thought since I would be in the "newborn haze" that I could stand to miss a haircut.

So today when I pulled in the parking lot of the salon to get my spring haircut, you were definitely on my mind.  I was supposed to be 6 months pregnant with you at this haircut.  As soon as I walked in the door and saw that fireplace, I just started remembering everything about being there last time with you.  I could feel the lump in my throat and the tears started to well up in my eyes.  I drank some water and tried to distract myself by reading a magazine. When my hairdresser came over and took me back to get my hair washed, my heart began to ache and I felt miserable.

As I walked to the shampoo sink, I nervously glanced around to see if Bethany was there.  She cut my hair last time and she is my usual hairdresser but she was booked for the day.  I had told her about you the last time I was there and she could see my pregnant belly and was very excited for me.  She  told me how cute I looked that day and we giggled when I told her you were a surprise. I knew if I saw her I would have to tell her what happened to you.  I saw her cutting a young girl's hair and longed to go over to tell her but knew it wasn't the right time.  I sat down and my hairdresser began to wash my hair.

I thought I could hold off the tears but as I sat there with the warm water running down my head and the sweet aroma of lavender all around me, my thoughts caught up to me.  My feelings did too.  It had been a week since I had cried and I guess I was "due."  The hairdresser walked away to get something and as I sat there alone with my thoughts of you, I couldn't help but let the floodgates open. 

I did not know what to do.  I just sat there with sopping wet hair, crying uncontrollably.  When the guy who had been washing my hair came back he looked so confused and sympathetic.  He had no idea about you.  I went into the bathroom and regained composure.  When I came out of the bathroom I told the hairdresser about you and why I was crying. He immediately changed the subject. We chatted some and all I wanted to do was talk about you, but I felt like I couldn't. 

Bethany came up to me while I was paying for my haircut.  I told her what happened to you and her eyes welled up with tears. I was glad to finally be able to tell her and was even more glad to see the tears in her eyes. She gave me a big hug and we said our goodbyes.  When I got to my car, I cried again.  A big, ugly, red faced cry. 

I guess when you are grieving, that is just bound to happen.  I am learning.

Irreplaceable

Dear Michael,

We went to Cumberland Falls last weekend.  Daddy and I took our honeymoon there and we decided last minute to go there again.  I have been so down the past week and just needed something to look forward to.  We hiked and talked a lot about you. We saw a beautiful rainbow and I thought about you; I saw several butterflies and thought of you too. 

The rainbow made me think of Megan and Connelly too because she sang Somewhere Over the Rainbow to him.  I took a picture of the rainbow and wrote his name in the sand and took a picture of it for her.  I was going to write your name in the sand too but I decided to wait until we went to the beach in August. 

Daddy and I are trying to get pregnant.  It is so funny that you were a surprise but it was no surprise how badly we wanted you once we found out.  We loved you so much.  Losing you made me want to try again for another baby.  Not to replace you...you are irreplaceable.  But I cannot help it...the desire to have another baby is so strong...stronger than it has ever been.  I had so many thoughts about you and how you were going to be the last.  Now I pray you will not be the last. 

I want another baby for many reasons. One of those reasons is just to cherish every moment.  I took it for granted with your brothers.... took it for granted because I was trying to "get through it" and I assumed they wouldn't be the last.  I never thought about losing them or losing any other babies.  I wish I had cherished moments with them more. 

I know I have learned from this.  I have learned to cherish the moments I have with them NOW.  I don't want to wish them away or wish for it to be easier.  It is perfect just how it is. 

It is perfect because they are here and they are mine. But I know they are God's first.  I pray I get many, many years with them but I know there is a possibility that won't happen. 

This doesn't make God unfair.  It just means that life happens.  No matter what, I need to trust Him.  And trust that in all things He will work for the good of those who love Him. 

Love,
Mommy