I had my post partum check up today. How strange it was to have a post partum check up with no baby. I had reservations about going but I was looking forward to seeing my midwife again. I feel so blessed to have had someone like her to help me through all of this. She handled everything so well and gave me her number to text her if I needed. She was so supportive and she made me feel validated. I probably wore her phone out with all the questions I sent through text messages.
I mostly asked questions about what I had done or not done that could have caused this to happen. I was racked with guilt those first couple of weeks. Finally, after all the reassurance from my midwife, I finally resigned to the fact that I did not cause this.
I cannot imagine having her job...and I cannot imagine the emotional toll it must take on someone to hear a baby's heartbeat in one room and then walk over to another room to give expecting parents the news she gave me. I am sure it was not easy to watch me sob after being told you had no heartbeat.
At my check-up she asked me the usual post-partum questions. She said I "looked good" even though I may not feel good on the inside. That was so nice to hear.
There is still so much pain. It was so painful seeing all the pregnant women in the waiting room today...full of excitement and hope for the future. They had no idea that not long ago, I was sitting there just like them...so happy I had entered into the "safe" zone of pregnancy. I was so naïve. I knew people could lose their babies in the second and third trimester...I just thought after three healthy boys that it would never happen to me.
As I sat and waited to be called back, I started thinking about the last time I was in that waiting room...the morning of February 12th. Even before we went in the ultrasound room, I could feel something was off. I remember looking down at my belly and surprised that my baby bump didn't seem as big as the week before. The night before I had a lot of trouble sleeping. I was NERVOUS about the ultrasound. I don't remember ever being nervous like that with your brothers. Throughout that week I had also just not felt as pregnant. I noticed I wasn't peeing as much, that I wasn't as thirsty, and that I was craving healthier foods (usually when I am pregnant that never happens...unfortunately).
I told myself that this pregnancy felt different because maybe you were a girl. I told myself I was being paranoid. How I wish the outcome of that day would have been different. How I wish my midwife could have come in the ultrasound room and said the ultrasound technician had made a mistake and that you were just fine.
Oh, Michael...I love and miss you so much.
Since I was across the river for my check-up, I arranged to meet Megan in person because she lives relatively close to the hospital. My doula knew Megan and she told me about her when I was in the hospital with you. Megan found out about her Connelly on the same day that I found out about you. We were due just one day apart. Megan and I have been texting a lot since we found out the awful thing we had in common. Being able to text with her has been such a blessing and has made this journey so much more bearable.
We agreed to meet at a little café near the hospital; I got there a little early and ordered a Diet Coke and a peanut butter cookie (which turned out to be the best peanut butter cookie on the planet). When she walked in I went up to her and gave her a hug and she felt like an old friend. We had so much to talk about and we probably could have talked all day if I had not needed to get back home!
I bet you and Connelly are up in Heaven together now....I like to thing that the angels are taking care of you all until we can get there.
I also like to think about when Daddy and I will be in Heaven with you. I like to picture that Daddy and I will get to raise you in Heaven. I imagine that we will hold you in our arms as we walk through the door to our home in Heaven and it will be like when we walked through our front door with your brothers after coming home from the hospital. I think about rocking you on a cloud until you fall asleep and giving you lots of cuddles and kisses. Obviously, I have no idea if this will actually happen but it gives me comfort as I drift off to sleep each night to think about it.
Your oldest brother still cries for you occasionally and he says "I want baby Michael" in the most pitiful voice. Daddy and I tell him that we wish you were here too but that you are in such a wonderful place now. Sometimes I think he cries for attention but it still makes me so sad. I am glad he has his "Michael bear" to comfort him. We pray with him when he gets upset about you and it seems to calm him down. Even though he is only 5 and a half, I feel like he is learning to trust God more because of this.
I am learning to trust God more too.
With the events of the day, your loss is digging deep into my soul. I want to hold you more than anything. I love you my sweet Michael.
Love,
Mommy
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