Back to "Normal"

I got my period yesterday... I feel sick about it.  It's not fair; I don't want my period...I want YOU!  It is just another reminder that I don't have you anymore.  I miss you so much, we all do.

Your brothers like to draw pictures for you and I save them to put in your box. Colson has never really shown any real sadness about you but he likes drawing pictures about you. I don't think Colson fully understands what has happened.  He does tell me "You don't have a baby in your belly anymore."  But sometimes he will pat my belly carefully then it will occur to him that he doesn't have to be careful anymore since I am not pregnant and he will say "Baby Michael is in Heaven now."

You being in Heaven has become "normal" to Lincoln.  The other day he told me, "if God gives us another baby you can save our old shoes for the baby to wear later...if the baby doesn't go to Heaven."  It breaks my heart that he has knowledge that life is not a guarantee.  Whenever Lincoln gets upset about you being gone, I suggest he draw pictures because that is the only thing I know to suggest.  How else do you help a 5 year old grieve?  It is so confusing sometimes.  Drawing really does seem to help him though.

I am thankful that talking about you is a part of the everyday lives of your brothers.  It is normal to them to have another brother who just happens to be in Heaven. Your brothers are so innocent and just say whatever comes to their mind...no filter.  They aren't nervous to talk about you or worried that others may become uncomfortable if they talk about you.

Your brothers have made talking about you easier and more "normal."  It has been healing to talk about you with them... and to talk about you with anyone who wants to listen.  Unfortunately, not everyone close to me wants to listen, and it hurts...but I know they are dealing with this the best way they know how.  Mothers who lost their babies want to talk about our children in Heaven, just like we want to talk about our other kids here on earth!

I am so sad.  I keep thinking of all the things I will miss with you...I am holding on to the hope I can do all those things in Heaven with you.  I visited your grave today for the first time since we buried you.  The baseball is still there and I was glad to see it.  I bet you would have loved baseball! 

Maybe Daddy can teach you to play when he gets to Heaven.  When that day comes, it will be our new "normal." :)

I love you,
Mommy