Ugly Cry

Dear Michael,

I am learning so much about grief. 

Megan posted something really wise on Facebook: "I used to think you were either happy, or you were sad... I'm learning that you can hold both of those at the same time. I can be genuinely happy, laughing and singing with Beckett. You can take my picture and life looks grand posted on Facebook. Yet, at the same time I'm disastrously sad, holding a broken heart, genuinely shattered. I hold them both, at the same time. Sometimes one at the surface, sometimes the other. Be kind to those around you, you just never know what all they may be holding."

This mirrors exactly how I feel.  It is also overwhelming to think about the grief and pain so many around me are holding inside and I don't even know it. 

When I went to get my haircut today, there were so many people happily chatting around me.  I envied them because they seemed so carefree, but then I remembered that they hold their own sorrows too...some of them are holding sorrows that I cannot even imagine.  I vividly remember the last time I got my haircut.  It was January and I was pregnant with you.  I had no idea the sorrow that would soon be coming my way.

That day, I remember feeling proud of my growing belly and I felt cute in my new maternity shirt, my maternity skinny jeans, and my knee-high slouchy boots.  I had even put on make-up, which is rare for me!

I walked in from the cold, gray day and sat by the fireplace in the waiting area.  As I sat down, I secretly hoped someone would notice my belly and ask about you.  I wanted to talk about how I thought you would be my fourth boy and how I was hoping you would come a little early and be here in June.  Everyone was so engrossed in their smart phones so of course nobody struck up a conversation, which is all too common these days.  I am one of the weird people in the world that likes making small talk...I even really like talking to people on planes and am disappointed if I am seated next to a non-talker, haha!

While I waited, a receptionist came over to me and asked if I wanted to go on and schedule my appointments for all of 2016.  I LOVE to plan ahead, so I said "Sure!"  I scheduled one for spring, one for fall and one for winter.  I wanted to skip a summer haircut because I figured you would be born in late June or early July and I thought since I would be in the "newborn haze" that I could stand to miss a haircut.

So today when I pulled in the parking lot of the salon to get my spring haircut, you were definitely on my mind.  I was supposed to be 6 months pregnant with you at this haircut.  As soon as I walked in the door and saw that fireplace, I just started remembering everything about being there last time with you.  I could feel the lump in my throat and the tears started to well up in my eyes.  I drank some water and tried to distract myself by reading a magazine. When my hairdresser came over and took me back to get my hair washed, my heart began to ache and I felt miserable.

As I walked to the shampoo sink, I nervously glanced around to see if Bethany was there.  She cut my hair last time and she is my usual hairdresser but she was booked for the day.  I had told her about you the last time I was there and she could see my pregnant belly and was very excited for me.  She  told me how cute I looked that day and we giggled when I told her you were a surprise. I knew if I saw her I would have to tell her what happened to you.  I saw her cutting a young girl's hair and longed to go over to tell her but knew it wasn't the right time.  I sat down and my hairdresser began to wash my hair.

I thought I could hold off the tears but as I sat there with the warm water running down my head and the sweet aroma of lavender all around me, my thoughts caught up to me.  My feelings did too.  It had been a week since I had cried and I guess I was "due."  The hairdresser walked away to get something and as I sat there alone with my thoughts of you, I couldn't help but let the floodgates open. 

I did not know what to do.  I just sat there with sopping wet hair, crying uncontrollably.  When the guy who had been washing my hair came back he looked so confused and sympathetic.  He had no idea about you.  I went into the bathroom and regained composure.  When I came out of the bathroom I told the hairdresser about you and why I was crying. He immediately changed the subject. We chatted some and all I wanted to do was talk about you, but I felt like I couldn't. 

Bethany came up to me while I was paying for my haircut.  I told her what happened to you and her eyes welled up with tears. I was glad to finally be able to tell her and was even more glad to see the tears in her eyes. She gave me a big hug and we said our goodbyes.  When I got to my car, I cried again.  A big, ugly, red faced cry. 

I guess when you are grieving, that is just bound to happen.  I am learning.

Irreplaceable

Dear Michael,

We went to Cumberland Falls last weekend.  Daddy and I took our honeymoon there and we decided last minute to go there again.  I have been so down the past week and just needed something to look forward to.  We hiked and talked a lot about you. We saw a beautiful rainbow and I thought about you; I saw several butterflies and thought of you too. 

The rainbow made me think of Megan and Connelly too because she sang Somewhere Over the Rainbow to him.  I took a picture of the rainbow and wrote his name in the sand and took a picture of it for her.  I was going to write your name in the sand too but I decided to wait until we went to the beach in August. 

Daddy and I are trying to get pregnant.  It is so funny that you were a surprise but it was no surprise how badly we wanted you once we found out.  We loved you so much.  Losing you made me want to try again for another baby.  Not to replace you...you are irreplaceable.  But I cannot help it...the desire to have another baby is so strong...stronger than it has ever been.  I had so many thoughts about you and how you were going to be the last.  Now I pray you will not be the last. 

I want another baby for many reasons. One of those reasons is just to cherish every moment.  I took it for granted with your brothers.... took it for granted because I was trying to "get through it" and I assumed they wouldn't be the last.  I never thought about losing them or losing any other babies.  I wish I had cherished moments with them more. 

I know I have learned from this.  I have learned to cherish the moments I have with them NOW.  I don't want to wish them away or wish for it to be easier.  It is perfect just how it is. 

It is perfect because they are here and they are mine. But I know they are God's first.  I pray I get many, many years with them but I know there is a possibility that won't happen. 

This doesn't make God unfair.  It just means that life happens.  No matter what, I need to trust Him.  And trust that in all things He will work for the good of those who love Him. 

Love,
Mommy

Always Your Mommy

Hey buddy,

I probably won't be writing as much anymore.  I know you know that I love you.  But I know you know I have to be fully present for your brothers too.  I have been withdrawing from them a lot and I don't want to do that to them.  I will keep your memory alive by doing the RAK with your brothers and by holding my "Michael bear" like I would hold you.  I will always have you in my heart. 

I will think of you when I cook dinner for our family...wishing I could cook for you too.  I will think of you when I buy clothes for your brothers...wishing I could buy clothes for you too.  I will think of you when I read books like "Good Night, Good Night Construction Site" to your silly brothers.  They love that book so much and I know you would have too.  I will think of you when I buy gifts for your brothers. And every holiday and birthday I will also think of you.

Even if I am not speaking about you...know that I am always thinking about you.

There are so many things I want to do for you but I just can't.  I want to teach you about life and God.  But I know you have everything you need in Heaven...the truth is, you don't need me at all.  And that breaks my heart and makes me thankful to God all at the same time.

I just want you to know that even if we have another baby, you will ALWAYS be my 4th boy.  You will always be loved.  Your life was so important and mattered so much.  It has changed me forever.  I know not to take things for granted...not to take Daddy or your brothers for granted...because we are not guaranteed to be together on this earth for any length of time.

Of course, God could make life perfect for us if He wanted, but then we wouldn't grow...we wouldn't be closer to Him and closer to others.  Your life and death have made me compassionante in a way I never would have been before.  I will forever cherish that.

And I know now that life is hard.  God never promised it wouldn't be.  But no matter what else comes my way- whatever loss, whatever pain, whatever sickness- I trust God. I trust His plan. I trust His will.  I trust that the Holy Spirit and the body of Christ will help me through any trials that come my way.  I have learned so much, Michael, and it is all because of you. 

I love you so much. So, so, so much.  Please wait for me in Heaven.  I will be there to hold you one day.

Love,
Mommy

Kindness heals

Dear Michael,

After reading a book about healing from pregnancy loss and after talking to Megan and some others, I decided to start doing Random Acts of Kindness in your memory.  I made cards on zazzle.com with the words "Please enjoy this Random Act of Kindness in memory of Michael Jeremiah Hall, February 13, 2016" and I also put Jeremiah 1:5 from the Bible on the card.  I chose this image to put on the back of the card (your brothers and I drew this for you on our driveway one day):

So far, the boys and I have paid for the meals of people behind us in the drive-thru (we have done Panera, Chick-fil-a and McDonalds).  We plan to do some other acts of kindness too, like make cookies for the firemen or doing something for the teachers at the school near us.  I have lots of ideas!  Doing these RAK has been so helpful in the healing process.  I really love being able to tell other people about you in this way. I have no idea what the people on the other end of these acts are thinking, but my hope is that I can brighten their day and spread the love of Christ at the same time! 

After we shared our sad news about you with family and friends, we were overwhelmed by the kindness and love that was shown to us.  So many people let us know they were praying for us.  Friends brought us meals and gift cards to restaurants so I wouldn't have to think about groceries and meal planning at such a hard time.  We received several bouquets of flowers and we received so many touching sympathy cards.  It moved me to tears that so many people honored you in this way.  I know I will cherish the cards we received and enjoy reading them in the years to come!

I took pictures of everything anyone gave us or sent to us after you passed away and put those pictures in your book.  When I was creating these pages in your book, I felt like I was making a page in a typical baby book where you can record who came to visit the newborn baby and what gifts the baby received; just like I did for your brothers. It warms my heart when I look back at these particular pictures and I remember the kindness that is all around me, despite living in such a fallen world.

Through the kindness others have shown us, I am reminded of how I want to act when people are going through hard times.  I want to reach out to others and help. I will keep doing RAK and I will do my best to keep my eyes open for people experiencing heartache. I never want anyone who is going through heartbreak to think they are alone.  Because, my sweet Michael, it meant the world to me to know that I was not alone.

I love you!
Mommy

Back to "Normal"

I got my period yesterday... I feel sick about it.  It's not fair; I don't want my period...I want YOU!  It is just another reminder that I don't have you anymore.  I miss you so much, we all do.

Your brothers like to draw pictures for you and I save them to put in your box. Colson has never really shown any real sadness about you but he likes drawing pictures about you. I don't think Colson fully understands what has happened.  He does tell me "You don't have a baby in your belly anymore."  But sometimes he will pat my belly carefully then it will occur to him that he doesn't have to be careful anymore since I am not pregnant and he will say "Baby Michael is in Heaven now."

You being in Heaven has become "normal" to Lincoln.  The other day he told me, "if God gives us another baby you can save our old shoes for the baby to wear later...if the baby doesn't go to Heaven."  It breaks my heart that he has knowledge that life is not a guarantee.  Whenever Lincoln gets upset about you being gone, I suggest he draw pictures because that is the only thing I know to suggest.  How else do you help a 5 year old grieve?  It is so confusing sometimes.  Drawing really does seem to help him though.

I am thankful that talking about you is a part of the everyday lives of your brothers.  It is normal to them to have another brother who just happens to be in Heaven. Your brothers are so innocent and just say whatever comes to their mind...no filter.  They aren't nervous to talk about you or worried that others may become uncomfortable if they talk about you.

Your brothers have made talking about you easier and more "normal."  It has been healing to talk about you with them... and to talk about you with anyone who wants to listen.  Unfortunately, not everyone close to me wants to listen, and it hurts...but I know they are dealing with this the best way they know how.  Mothers who lost their babies want to talk about our children in Heaven, just like we want to talk about our other kids here on earth!

I am so sad.  I keep thinking of all the things I will miss with you...I am holding on to the hope I can do all those things in Heaven with you.  I visited your grave today for the first time since we buried you.  The baseball is still there and I was glad to see it.  I bet you would have loved baseball! 

Maybe Daddy can teach you to play when he gets to Heaven.  When that day comes, it will be our new "normal." :)

I love you,
Mommy

The Luckiest

Dear Michael,

I have been busy making a special book in your memory. I wanted you to have a baby book of sorts, like your brothers did.  Obviously, it is a bit different than their books but I wanted to commemorate the times you were with us throughout pregnancy.  I love the book and can't wait until it comes in the mail.  I spent a lot of time picking out the cover of the book and eventually decided on a star pattern for the cover because it reminded me of the star blankets your brothers have.  I spent so much time selecting pictures for the book and trying to write the perfect words for you.  I decided to make it read like a storybook, envisioning that your brothers would read it one day.  It begins with a description of the day we found out we were pregnant with you and it ends with a description of the special gifts people gave us in your memory. 

Even though the book has an end, the story of you has not ended.  Daddy and I will always carry you in our hearts and you will always live in Heaven.  

Even though it was sad, I wanted to remember your delivery and have those pictures in the book too.  I wanted to look back and remember the love your daddy had for you...not that I would ever forget...pictures just have a way of conveying emotion so beautifully.  The pictures in your book capture the expression of pure love and sorrow on Daddy's face as we hold you.

Daddy was previewing the book online tonight before I ordered it.  He started sobbing as he read it and I held him...just like he has held me so many times before.  As his tears soaked my t-shirt, I thought of how he sobbed when he found out the news about you at the ultrasound...and how he sobbed after you were delivered.  I had never seen him cry like that before.  It was so sweet and heart-breaking at the same time. We both love you so much. 

Going through this experience has brought Daddy and I even closer together.  I know there will be plenty more bumps in the road of life as we get older.  I pray that Daddy and I will always be able to go through these bumps together. 

There is a song by Ben Folds called "The Luckiest" and I think of your daddy every time I listen to it:

I don't get many things right the first time,
In fact, I am told that a lot
Now I know all the wrong turns the stumbles,
And falls brought me here
And where was I before the day
That I first saw your lovely face,
Now I see it every day
And I know

That I am, I am, I am, the luckiest

It is so fitting because I really do feel like the luckiest person alive.  I don't think it is possible for any two people to love each other as much as Daddy and I love each other.  I suppose most couples feel that way, or at least I hope they do.

I know that God brought us together to make each other stronger and better and to point each other back to Him.  Through all of this I have seen your daddy in a new way.  I have seen how big his heart really is...and how easily his heart can break.  I feel so lucky...and blessed...that he is mine. 

Love,
Mommy

Blessings

Dear Michael,

I had my post partum check up today.  How strange it was to have a post partum check up with no baby.  I had reservations about going but I was looking forward to seeing my midwife again.  I feel so blessed to have had someone like her to help me through all of this.  She handled everything so well and gave me her number to text her if I needed.  She was so supportive and she made me feel validated. I probably wore her phone out with all the questions I sent through text messages.

I mostly asked questions about what I had done or not done that could have caused this to happen.  I was racked with guilt those first couple of weeks.  Finally, after all the reassurance from my midwife, I finally resigned to the fact that I did not cause this.

I cannot imagine having her job...and I cannot imagine the emotional toll it must take on someone to hear a baby's heartbeat in one room and then walk over to another room to give expecting parents the news she gave me.  I am sure it was not easy to watch me sob after being told you had no heartbeat.

At my check-up she asked me the usual post-partum questions.  She said I "looked good" even though I may not feel good on the inside.  That was so nice to hear. 

There is still so much pain. It was so painful seeing all the pregnant women in the waiting room today...full of excitement and hope for the future.  They had no idea that not long ago, I was sitting there just like them...so happy I had entered into the "safe" zone of pregnancy.  I was so naïve. I knew people could lose their babies in the second and third trimester...I just thought after three healthy boys that it would never happen to me. 

As I sat and waited to be called back, I started thinking about the last time I was in that waiting room...the morning of February 12th.  Even before we went in the ultrasound room, I could feel something was off.  I remember looking down at my belly and surprised that my baby bump didn't seem as big as the week before. The night before I had a lot of trouble sleeping.  I was NERVOUS about the ultrasound.  I don't remember ever being nervous like that with your brothers. Throughout that week I had also just not felt as pregnant.  I noticed I wasn't peeing as much, that I wasn't as thirsty, and that I was craving healthier foods (usually when I am pregnant that never happens...unfortunately). 

I told myself that this pregnancy felt different because maybe you were a girl.  I told myself I was being paranoid.  How I wish the outcome of that day would have been different.  How I wish my midwife could have come in the ultrasound room and said the ultrasound technician had made a mistake and that you were just fine.

Oh, Michael...I love and miss you so much. 

Since I was across the river for my check-up, I arranged to meet Megan in person because she lives relatively close to the hospital.  My doula knew Megan and she told me about her when I was in the hospital with you. Megan found out about her Connelly on the same day that I found out about you.  We were due just one day apart.  Megan and I have been texting a lot since we found out the awful thing we had in common.  Being able to text with her has been such a blessing and has made this journey so much more bearable.

We agreed to meet at a little café near the hospital; I got there a little early and ordered a Diet Coke and a peanut butter cookie (which turned out to be the best peanut butter cookie on the planet).  When she walked in I went up to her and gave her a hug and she felt like an old friend.  We had so much to talk about and we probably could have talked all day if I had not needed to get back home!

I bet you and Connelly are up in Heaven together now....I like to thing that the angels are taking care of you all until we can get there.

I also like to think about when Daddy and I will be in Heaven with you.  I like to picture that Daddy and I will get to raise you in Heaven. I imagine that we will hold you in our arms as we walk through the door to our home in Heaven and it will be like when we walked through our front door with your brothers after coming home from the hospital.  I think about rocking you on a cloud until you fall asleep and giving you lots of cuddles and kisses.  Obviously, I have no idea if this will actually happen but it gives me comfort as I drift off to sleep each night to think about it.

Your oldest brother still cries for you occasionally and he says "I want baby Michael" in the most pitiful voice.  Daddy and I tell him that we wish you were here too but that you are in such a wonderful place now.  Sometimes I think he cries for attention but it still makes me so sad.  I am glad he has his "Michael bear" to comfort him.  We pray with him when he gets upset about you and it seems to calm him down. Even though he is only 5 and a half, I feel like he is learning to trust God more because of this. 

I am learning to trust God more too.

With the events of the day, your loss is digging deep into my soul.  I want to hold you more than anything.  I love you my sweet Michael. 

Love,
Mommy