Church

This was written on the Sermon Notes while at church.

Dear Michael,

I am in church now, trying to listen to the sermon but cannot.  The sermon is about Credit Cards.  I know there are great points being made in the sermon but it is so hard to focus when it feels like my world has fallen apart.  My heart longs for you.  My heart aches for you. 

When we walked in the church doors I saw a newborn baby with his mom.  Immediately I felt the milk in my chest and longed to nurse you.  Until today, I never noticed how many babies there actually are at church. It seems everywhere I turn there is an expecting mom or a mom with a baby in her arms.  It is painful seeing these moms hold their babies because every part of me longs to hold you and I can't. 

I am so happy for each one of these moms, but it makes me wonder...how many times did a mom struggling with infertility or pregnancy loss or infant loss look at me holding my baby boys and experience the heartache and longing that I am feeling now?  I am sure it has happened countless times and I never knew.  I wish I could give each one of those moms a hug and tell them I am sorry for their loss and pain.

It is also very hard telling friends at church what happened to you and me.  The last time everyone saw me, you were inside me.  Now you are not.  The last time everyone saw me, my belly was protruding and pregnant.  Now it is not.

I am so thankful for your brothers but I want you here too.  I love you so much sweet boy.

Mommy