2016 is ending

Dear Michael,

Here we are...2016 is coming to a close and I just cannot believe it.  I missed you so much at Christmas.  I cried many tears the 24th and 25th...just wishing you were here.  Last year, a couple of weeks before Christmas, we announced you to everyone. We were so excited!  I remember being so excited last year, thinking of what it would be like to have you here to celebrate Christmas with us this year.  That didn't happen.  You celebrated with Jesus Christ though, which of course is more amazing than anything your old mom could have come up with :).  We got a stocking for you and bought a baby toy, a baby book and Christmas PJs to donate in your memory.  These are things I would have bought for you if you had been here.  I also got you an ornament for our tree which made me cry to look at, but also made me so happy.

The boys still talk about you often, including Andrew now!  One day, Andrew said "I wanna spell Michael."  That meant he wanted me to write your name on a piece of paper.  I was so happy to do it, that was the first time Andrew really acknowledged you out loud.  He was so late to start talking so we never really knew what he understood.  This made me think that he understood a lot more than we gave him credit for! 

We are anticipating the birth of your other brother, Isaac Benjamin, any week now.  For right now, I have decided that if Isaac does not come by January 19th, I want to be induced.  My midwife said that would be an option.  I just have so much anxiety about losing him too, even though I know medically there is no reason to have that fear.  I pray that he will come before that because I would like a completely natural birth but for now, I cannot imagine waiting longer than that.  I am looking forward to meeting him and holding him.  I wish I could hold you too my sweet one.  I love you so much and wish you were with us. 

Love,
Mommy

Missing you

Dear Michael,

I have been missing you so much today, though I miss you every day. I was picking out family photo outfits and could not help but think of you and how you won't be in the photos next week. What kind of outfit would I pick for you, sweet baby? I realized that tomorrow would be baby dedication at church. The dedication that we would have participated in if you had been full term and here. My heart broke even more. I want you here more than anything. To top it all off, this week there has been major pro-life vs. pro-choice debates going on. Of course, I am pro-life. But it just angers me that it is an issue at all. It is insulting that some people never considered you a real life. How do all of these people think it is ok to kill a baby?! I was looking at your pictures today and loved looking at your tiny hand. I am going to drift to sleep now, thinking about holding your hand. I love you Michael.

Mommy

7 months

Dear Michael,

How has it been 7 months? I long to hold you again. I feel like so many people do not understand. Including Daddy sometimes. I do not even understand sometimes. How is it possible to feel this pain so deeply? For the tears to come so often and so quickly? I am just so tired. The evenings are filled with dread. Once your brothers are in bed and the house is quiet I feel so empty and alone.  We are having another boy in January and I feel so blessed. But along with this pregnancy comes an emotional strain I never imagined. The lines are so blurry between your pregnancy and this one. I have been pregnant for 9 out of the last 11 months. I am 21 weeks now with your brother and last night we were talking about names for him. It just made me so sad. I remember talking about names for you. I am going to try to get some sleep. I am holding your bear like I do every night. Good night sweet boy.

Love,

Mommy 

6 months

Dear Michael,

Here I am again...sobbing late at night because my heart aches for you.  It has been six months since you were born still. Six months since I said goodbye. So many details from that day are etched into my mind...one detail that I will forever cherish is holding you. Seeing your tiny self and being so in awe of you.  One reason I am crying is just thinking of all the abortions that happen daily. I have seen what a baby looks like when he is still able to be aborted. Why does our country allow this? Women who have an unplanned pregnancy need support and help. They need education and to know their options (which should not include taking the life of another).  

Tonight I watched a show called "Born This Way." It follows a group of people with Down's Syndrome.  As someone who used to teach kids with disabilities (some of whom had Down's Syndrome), this show really affected me. I love how the show is so real and shows the emotions, dreams and relationships of these beautiful people. Yet, with prenatal testing, 67 percent of babies with this disability are aborted.  I loved what one mom of a child with Down's Syndrome said..."finding out your child has this disability is the end of a dream...but it is the beginning of a NEW dream." 

Countless times I have wished my dreams for you had not come to an end. I know you are experiencing things now that are way better than any dream I had for you here on Earth. But it still hurts. 

It hurts when I look at your brothers playing together and you are not there. It hurts when we celebrate holidays and you aren't there. It hurts when someone says "three boys...wow!" because there are supposed to be four boys. 

I often wonder what type of baby you would have been...would you have been a naturally good sleeper like Colson? Or would it have taken more effort to get you to sleep, like Lincoln and Andrew. Would you have taken a paci? Would you have liked the baby swing?  I am sure as time passes I will always have those questions for you.  Each year as February 13 passes, I will wonder...what would he be like?  

I love you so much and I always will. Lincoln likes to pray for God to give you a hug from us. I pray that too. 

God, please give Michael a big hug from me right now. 

Love, Mommy

So Familiar

Dear Michael, 

I miss you. If you were here now you would be a few weeks old. I would probably be nursing you. Trying to keep you awake for the feeding. Listening to the little gulps you take. Watching milk dribble out the side of your perfect mouth. Daddy would change your diaper to wake you back up after you nursed off the first side. Then he would swaddle you back up before you nursed off the second side so you would be nice and cozy. Then you would nurse for a few minutes, be drowsy and I would put you in the rock n play sleeper. You would drift to sleep and I would go to bed hoping for a few hours of sleep.

 It is all so familiar, something I did over and over with your brothers...but something I will never get to do with you. All those times with your brothers...I took it for granted. Stroking their fine, silky hair as I held them...looking at their little chubby fists open and close as they ate...always knowing they were perfect but never really comprehending how miraculous they were.

Now I know.

I beg God daily...praying I will get to experience these sweet moments with your new brother or sister. Promising Him and myself I will appreciate it more this time.

I know that does not guarantee anything...but I will keep pouring out my heart to God. Even if I do not have my desires fulfilled. I know God knows best. 

I know He is in control. 

And I know you know too. He has got you right there with Him.

Love,

Mommy

Plane

Dear Michael,

I miss you a lot right now. I am on a plane back home from visiting Aunt Courtney and I started thinking of you and can barely hold back tears. Thankfully the flight attendant just sprayed a Coke everywhere on accident and it provided some comic relief for me.

There is a pregnant woman across from me and I looked over at her belly and could tell she was 30ish weeks and it just hurt that I never got that far with you.  I wish I could hold you again.  It stinks being so emotional on the plane. There is nowhere to go so I just have to awkwardly cry in my seat among strangers.

I feel like I am having another boy. I pray daily I will get to hold him alive. I am so scared. I know you are happy in Heaven but we still miss you, of course. Lincoln still does too. I am terrified of the same thing happening to the new baby because I cannot bare for Lincoln to hurt more. I think Colson is hurting too but he expresses it differently...through acting out.

I just want this all to be ok. I want to fast forward to January and have this baby in my arms. Of course, that will not take away how much I miss you.

I love you always.

Mommy

July is Coming

Dear Michael,

It has been a tough week for your mommy. My grief mixed with pregnancy hormones and sickness has taken a huge toll on me. I am drained and exhausted and depressed. 

I miss you.

I want you here.

Your due date it coming soon, just three more days. I cannot help but think about how you should be here now. I have been dreading June coming to an end. It makes me sick thinking about it. 

When I think about turning the calendar from June to July, my heart breaks. I wish I could fast forward to August. Honestly, I wish I could just fast forward to the birth of your little brother or sister. Just skip all the wondering and waiting and the pain I feel. 

I am 10 weeks pregnant now. We still have not made it public. I am showing already though, partly because this is my 5th pregnancy and partly because my body was 19 weeks pregnant with you just 4.5 months ago. 

I think about you everyday. We are going to have a cookout this Sunday for your due date. We asked people to bring children's books to it and we will donate them in your honor. I hope we will have a good turn out. I am telling myself not to take it personally if people don't. I just wish people would at least give a book to show that they know you mattered. I realize that not everyone will think of this the way that I do. Hopefully it will all turn out ok. 

I love you!

Mommy