7 months

Dear Michael,

How has it been 7 months? I long to hold you again. I feel like so many people do not understand. Including Daddy sometimes. I do not even understand sometimes. How is it possible to feel this pain so deeply? For the tears to come so often and so quickly? I am just so tired. The evenings are filled with dread. Once your brothers are in bed and the house is quiet I feel so empty and alone.  We are having another boy in January and I feel so blessed. But along with this pregnancy comes an emotional strain I never imagined. The lines are so blurry between your pregnancy and this one. I have been pregnant for 9 out of the last 11 months. I am 21 weeks now with your brother and last night we were talking about names for him. It just made me so sad. I remember talking about names for you. I am going to try to get some sleep. I am holding your bear like I do every night. Good night sweet boy.

Love,

Mommy 

6 months

Dear Michael,

Here I am again...sobbing late at night because my heart aches for you.  It has been six months since you were born still. Six months since I said goodbye. So many details from that day are etched into my mind...one detail that I will forever cherish is holding you. Seeing your tiny self and being so in awe of you.  One reason I am crying is just thinking of all the abortions that happen daily. I have seen what a baby looks like when he is still able to be aborted. Why does our country allow this? Women who have an unplanned pregnancy need support and help. They need education and to know their options (which should not include taking the life of another).  

Tonight I watched a show called "Born This Way." It follows a group of people with Down's Syndrome.  As someone who used to teach kids with disabilities (some of whom had Down's Syndrome), this show really affected me. I love how the show is so real and shows the emotions, dreams and relationships of these beautiful people. Yet, with prenatal testing, 67 percent of babies with this disability are aborted.  I loved what one mom of a child with Down's Syndrome said..."finding out your child has this disability is the end of a dream...but it is the beginning of a NEW dream." 

Countless times I have wished my dreams for you had not come to an end. I know you are experiencing things now that are way better than any dream I had for you here on Earth. But it still hurts. 

It hurts when I look at your brothers playing together and you are not there. It hurts when we celebrate holidays and you aren't there. It hurts when someone says "three boys...wow!" because there are supposed to be four boys. 

I often wonder what type of baby you would have been...would you have been a naturally good sleeper like Colson? Or would it have taken more effort to get you to sleep, like Lincoln and Andrew. Would you have taken a paci? Would you have liked the baby swing?  I am sure as time passes I will always have those questions for you.  Each year as February 13 passes, I will wonder...what would he be like?  

I love you so much and I always will. Lincoln likes to pray for God to give you a hug from us. I pray that too. 

God, please give Michael a big hug from me right now. 

Love, Mommy

So Familiar

Dear Michael, 

I miss you. If you were here now you would be a few weeks old. I would probably be nursing you. Trying to keep you awake for the feeding. Listening to the little gulps you take. Watching milk dribble out the side of your perfect mouth. Daddy would change your diaper to wake you back up after you nursed off the first side. Then he would swaddle you back up before you nursed off the second side so you would be nice and cozy. Then you would nurse for a few minutes, be drowsy and I would put you in the rock n play sleeper. You would drift to sleep and I would go to bed hoping for a few hours of sleep.

 It is all so familiar, something I did over and over with your brothers...but something I will never get to do with you. All those times with your brothers...I took it for granted. Stroking their fine, silky hair as I held them...looking at their little chubby fists open and close as they ate...always knowing they were perfect but never really comprehending how miraculous they were.

Now I know.

I beg God daily...praying I will get to experience these sweet moments with your new brother or sister. Promising Him and myself I will appreciate it more this time.

I know that does not guarantee anything...but I will keep pouring out my heart to God. Even if I do not have my desires fulfilled. I know God knows best. 

I know He is in control. 

And I know you know too. He has got you right there with Him.

Love,

Mommy

Plane

Dear Michael,

I miss you a lot right now. I am on a plane back home from visiting Aunt Courtney and I started thinking of you and can barely hold back tears. Thankfully the flight attendant just sprayed a Coke everywhere on accident and it provided some comic relief for me.

There is a pregnant woman across from me and I looked over at her belly and could tell she was 30ish weeks and it just hurt that I never got that far with you.  I wish I could hold you again.  It stinks being so emotional on the plane. There is nowhere to go so I just have to awkwardly cry in my seat among strangers.

I feel like I am having another boy. I pray daily I will get to hold him alive. I am so scared. I know you are happy in Heaven but we still miss you, of course. Lincoln still does too. I am terrified of the same thing happening to the new baby because I cannot bare for Lincoln to hurt more. I think Colson is hurting too but he expresses it differently...through acting out.

I just want this all to be ok. I want to fast forward to January and have this baby in my arms. Of course, that will not take away how much I miss you.

I love you always.

Mommy

July is Coming

Dear Michael,

It has been a tough week for your mommy. My grief mixed with pregnancy hormones and sickness has taken a huge toll on me. I am drained and exhausted and depressed. 

I miss you.

I want you here.

Your due date it coming soon, just three more days. I cannot help but think about how you should be here now. I have been dreading June coming to an end. It makes me sick thinking about it. 

When I think about turning the calendar from June to July, my heart breaks. I wish I could fast forward to August. Honestly, I wish I could just fast forward to the birth of your little brother or sister. Just skip all the wondering and waiting and the pain I feel. 

I am 10 weeks pregnant now. We still have not made it public. I am showing already though, partly because this is my 5th pregnancy and partly because my body was 19 weeks pregnant with you just 4.5 months ago. 

I think about you everyday. We are going to have a cookout this Sunday for your due date. We asked people to bring children's books to it and we will donate them in your honor. I hope we will have a good turn out. I am telling myself not to take it personally if people don't. I just wish people would at least give a book to show that they know you mattered. I realize that not everyone will think of this the way that I do. Hopefully it will all turn out ok. 

I love you!

Mommy

Mixed Emotions

Dear Michael,

I had to leave the YMCA just now because I was overwhelmed with sadness and began sobbing right there on the elliptical.  I came out to my car in the parking lot so I could write you.

I didn't know how hard this would be. I want this baby, just like I wanted you, but the past week I have gone from worrying about something happening to the baby to feeling so sad and guilty. I kind of wish we had waited to tell our family and close friends about the new baby until after your due date.

I am just having a hard time because your due date is getting closer and while I was working out I saw two very pregnant women...I am guessing their babies are due about the same time as you were. I am supposed to be them right now...huge and swollen and ready to pop.  So a part of me wishes for you back...and then I feel guilty because if that happened, I wouldn't be pregnant now with your little brother or sister. I feel so confused and sad.

If we had waited to tell others about the new baby then I am sure I would have felt bad that way too. Because I was so happy when I found out, I wanted to share the news with other people who would be happy about it too. I thought it would take away some of the pain I felt from losing you. But it seems to have just made it worse. Instead of feeling only sad, now I feel sad, confused and guilty all at the same time.

I love you so much Michael. We are planning to have a get together at our house on your due date. We are trying to turn a sad day into a way to honor you. We are asking people to bring books to the get together so we can donate them in your memory. I am looking forward to that. I pray the new baby will be ok. I truly desire a "rainbow baby." I have hope too because of this new pregnancy. That is one emotion mixed in with all the others that I like.

I love you so much sweet boy. I know God is taking good care of you in Heaven.

Love,
Mommy

New Baby

Dear Michael,

Daddy and I found out on May 19th that we are expecting a new baby in late January.  When I told Daddy that morning he was so excited!  I was excited too...for about two hours.

Then, the worry took over.  The anxiety gripped my heart and I had trouble breathing.  My chest felt so tight...partly from missing you and partly from assuming something bad would happen to this baby too.  I keep praying for God's protection and for me to be able to accept whatever His will is.

I am looking forward to meeting your new brother or sister but no baby will ever replace you.  There will always be a hole in my heart that can only be filled by you...just like your brothers and this new baby have a special place in my heart that can only be filled by them.

The night before I found out I was pregnant I took my last pre-natal vitamin from "your" bottle.  I had continued taking them because I thought we would try to get pregnant again soon. It broke my heart.  I don't know if I will even be able to throw the bottle away.  The next night, as I opened a brand new bottle of pre-natal vitamins it hit me that I was starting a brand new bottle on the exact day I found out I was pregnant again.  That seemed fitting to me, but also very sad.

I kind of like that before I knew I was pregnant, your brother or sister growing inside of me got the same nutrients from the same bottle of vitamins as you. I know that is so strange. 

I peaked at Lincoln tonight while he was asleep and he was holding his Michael Bear. That made me so happy. As I watched him, I wondered how long he would sleep with it...and then I wondered how long I would sleep with mine.  I am glad Lincoln talks about you often.  I wish more people would talk about you but I know it is not on everyone's mind all of the time like it is mine.  I know everyone has their own struggles.  I just love when people say your name. 

We haven't figured out when we will tell everyone about your brother or sister.  We waited until about 11 weeks to tell everyone about you.  Lincoln was so upset when we lost you...I just don't want to see him like that again.  I am afraid it will be too much for me to handle if this baby dies too and we have to tell Lincoln.

Daddy seems to be protective of your little brother or sister, it is very sweet.  The boys were being so rough, playing like usual, and they began to flail around and almost hit me in the stomach. Daddy made sure they knew it was not ok to be like that with Mommy.  He was very stern with them.  He hasn't said he is scared of losing the new baby, but I know on some level he has to be.  He misses you so much.

Daddy thinks we are having a girl, but he said that about Andrew and you too.  I think this time he might be right.  I have never felt like we were having a girl before...I guess we will find out at the end of summer.  I am praying for a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby (or babies)!

I love you,
Mommy