So Familiar

Dear Michael, 

I miss you. If you were here now you would be a few weeks old. I would probably be nursing you. Trying to keep you awake for the feeding. Listening to the little gulps you take. Watching milk dribble out the side of your perfect mouth. Daddy would change your diaper to wake you back up after you nursed off the first side. Then he would swaddle you back up before you nursed off the second side so you would be nice and cozy. Then you would nurse for a few minutes, be drowsy and I would put you in the rock n play sleeper. You would drift to sleep and I would go to bed hoping for a few hours of sleep.

 It is all so familiar, something I did over and over with your brothers...but something I will never get to do with you. All those times with your brothers...I took it for granted. Stroking their fine, silky hair as I held them...looking at their little chubby fists open and close as they ate...always knowing they were perfect but never really comprehending how miraculous they were.

Now I know.

I beg God daily...praying I will get to experience these sweet moments with your new brother or sister. Promising Him and myself I will appreciate it more this time.

I know that does not guarantee anything...but I will keep pouring out my heart to God. Even if I do not have my desires fulfilled. I know God knows best. 

I know He is in control. 

And I know you know too. He has got you right there with Him.

Love,

Mommy

Plane

Dear Michael,

I miss you a lot right now. I am on a plane back home from visiting Aunt Courtney and I started thinking of you and can barely hold back tears. Thankfully the flight attendant just sprayed a Coke everywhere on accident and it provided some comic relief for me.

There is a pregnant woman across from me and I looked over at her belly and could tell she was 30ish weeks and it just hurt that I never got that far with you.  I wish I could hold you again.  It stinks being so emotional on the plane. There is nowhere to go so I just have to awkwardly cry in my seat among strangers.

I feel like I am having another boy. I pray daily I will get to hold him alive. I am so scared. I know you are happy in Heaven but we still miss you, of course. Lincoln still does too. I am terrified of the same thing happening to the new baby because I cannot bare for Lincoln to hurt more. I think Colson is hurting too but he expresses it differently...through acting out.

I just want this all to be ok. I want to fast forward to January and have this baby in my arms. Of course, that will not take away how much I miss you.

I love you always.

Mommy

July is Coming

Dear Michael,

It has been a tough week for your mommy. My grief mixed with pregnancy hormones and sickness has taken a huge toll on me. I am drained and exhausted and depressed. 

I miss you.

I want you here.

Your due date it coming soon, just three more days. I cannot help but think about how you should be here now. I have been dreading June coming to an end. It makes me sick thinking about it. 

When I think about turning the calendar from June to July, my heart breaks. I wish I could fast forward to August. Honestly, I wish I could just fast forward to the birth of your little brother or sister. Just skip all the wondering and waiting and the pain I feel. 

I am 10 weeks pregnant now. We still have not made it public. I am showing already though, partly because this is my 5th pregnancy and partly because my body was 19 weeks pregnant with you just 4.5 months ago. 

I think about you everyday. We are going to have a cookout this Sunday for your due date. We asked people to bring children's books to it and we will donate them in your honor. I hope we will have a good turn out. I am telling myself not to take it personally if people don't. I just wish people would at least give a book to show that they know you mattered. I realize that not everyone will think of this the way that I do. Hopefully it will all turn out ok. 

I love you!

Mommy

Mixed Emotions

Dear Michael,

I had to leave the YMCA just now because I was overwhelmed with sadness and began sobbing right there on the elliptical.  I came out to my car in the parking lot so I could write you.

I didn't know how hard this would be. I want this baby, just like I wanted you, but the past week I have gone from worrying about something happening to the baby to feeling so sad and guilty. I kind of wish we had waited to tell our family and close friends about the new baby until after your due date.

I am just having a hard time because your due date is getting closer and while I was working out I saw two very pregnant women...I am guessing their babies are due about the same time as you were. I am supposed to be them right now...huge and swollen and ready to pop.  So a part of me wishes for you back...and then I feel guilty because if that happened, I wouldn't be pregnant now with your little brother or sister. I feel so confused and sad.

If we had waited to tell others about the new baby then I am sure I would have felt bad that way too. Because I was so happy when I found out, I wanted to share the news with other people who would be happy about it too. I thought it would take away some of the pain I felt from losing you. But it seems to have just made it worse. Instead of feeling only sad, now I feel sad, confused and guilty all at the same time.

I love you so much Michael. We are planning to have a get together at our house on your due date. We are trying to turn a sad day into a way to honor you. We are asking people to bring books to the get together so we can donate them in your memory. I am looking forward to that. I pray the new baby will be ok. I truly desire a "rainbow baby." I have hope too because of this new pregnancy. That is one emotion mixed in with all the others that I like.

I love you so much sweet boy. I know God is taking good care of you in Heaven.

Love,
Mommy

New Baby

Dear Michael,

Daddy and I found out on May 19th that we are expecting a new baby in late January.  When I told Daddy that morning he was so excited!  I was excited too...for about two hours.

Then, the worry took over.  The anxiety gripped my heart and I had trouble breathing.  My chest felt so tight...partly from missing you and partly from assuming something bad would happen to this baby too.  I keep praying for God's protection and for me to be able to accept whatever His will is.

I am looking forward to meeting your new brother or sister but no baby will ever replace you.  There will always be a hole in my heart that can only be filled by you...just like your brothers and this new baby have a special place in my heart that can only be filled by them.

The night before I found out I was pregnant I took my last pre-natal vitamin from "your" bottle.  I had continued taking them because I thought we would try to get pregnant again soon. It broke my heart.  I don't know if I will even be able to throw the bottle away.  The next night, as I opened a brand new bottle of pre-natal vitamins it hit me that I was starting a brand new bottle on the exact day I found out I was pregnant again.  That seemed fitting to me, but also very sad.

I kind of like that before I knew I was pregnant, your brother or sister growing inside of me got the same nutrients from the same bottle of vitamins as you. I know that is so strange. 

I peaked at Lincoln tonight while he was asleep and he was holding his Michael Bear. That made me so happy. As I watched him, I wondered how long he would sleep with it...and then I wondered how long I would sleep with mine.  I am glad Lincoln talks about you often.  I wish more people would talk about you but I know it is not on everyone's mind all of the time like it is mine.  I know everyone has their own struggles.  I just love when people say your name. 

We haven't figured out when we will tell everyone about your brother or sister.  We waited until about 11 weeks to tell everyone about you.  Lincoln was so upset when we lost you...I just don't want to see him like that again.  I am afraid it will be too much for me to handle if this baby dies too and we have to tell Lincoln.

Daddy seems to be protective of your little brother or sister, it is very sweet.  The boys were being so rough, playing like usual, and they began to flail around and almost hit me in the stomach. Daddy made sure they knew it was not ok to be like that with Mommy.  He was very stern with them.  He hasn't said he is scared of losing the new baby, but I know on some level he has to be.  He misses you so much.

Daddy thinks we are having a girl, but he said that about Andrew and you too.  I think this time he might be right.  I have never felt like we were having a girl before...I guess we will find out at the end of summer.  I am praying for a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby (or babies)!

I love you,
Mommy

Beauty from the Storms

Dear Michael,

I was emotional all morning.  As I was driving home from my morning workout, I began to think about the Mother's Day Tea I was attending later at Lincoln's school. I had been looking forward to it for a while but I could not help but be reminded that I wouldn't have you with me for Mother's Day.  The emotion overtook me and the sobbing that has become so familiar began.

Tears streamed down my face as I drove and felt that ache in my heart, an ache reserved only for you.  I was thankful that Colson and Andrew were being relatively quiet as they seemed to be listening to the music on the radio. We were listening to our usual Christian music station.  As my sadness surrounded me, one of my favorite songs began to play: "Better is One Day."  I was comforted by the reminder that it is better to spend one day with the Lord than thousands here on Earth.

I know you are in the best place possible, and not just for one day, but for eternity!

As the song played and soothed my soul, I kept driving forward.  I noticed two different skies above me.  In front of me, there were white, puffy clouds in a sunny, light blue sky.  But when I looked in my rearview mirror, I saw a solid dark gray sky from the storm that had just passed.  The sky behind me was the color of charcoal and it was a contrasting backdrop for the bright green spring trees.  The sky behind me was so dark, yet so unusually beautiful.

I couldn't help but steal glances and look back at it as I drove toward the cheerful blue sky. The scene behind me took my breath away...it was just that beautiful.

I was reminded that when we go through the storms of life, which can be dark and scary, there is beauty in those times too...maybe not always in the midst of the storm...but in the aftermath.  My precious Michael, losing you was like being in a storm...it was dark and scary.  But it honestly has not been hard to find the beauty from this storm...there is beauty in how my heart and our family has been forever changed by you.

As I drove, the dark skies became distant behind me and the bright, sunny skies became closer.  While driving toward the calm blue sky and the gigantic, light clouds, I was reminded of our Father.   I was reminded of the hope I have for the future; hope as bright as the sky before me.  I must keep looking forward to Him and His promises.  I must keep savoring the moments of motherhood with your brothers, even if I can't savor them with you. 

I may be moving forward to sunny skies, and there is beauty in that too...but that doesn't mean I will forget the beauty that comes from the storms. 

Ugly Cry

Dear Michael,

I am learning so much about grief. 

Megan posted something really wise on Facebook: "I used to think you were either happy, or you were sad... I'm learning that you can hold both of those at the same time. I can be genuinely happy, laughing and singing with Beckett. You can take my picture and life looks grand posted on Facebook. Yet, at the same time I'm disastrously sad, holding a broken heart, genuinely shattered. I hold them both, at the same time. Sometimes one at the surface, sometimes the other. Be kind to those around you, you just never know what all they may be holding."

This mirrors exactly how I feel.  It is also overwhelming to think about the grief and pain so many around me are holding inside and I don't even know it. 

When I went to get my haircut today, there were so many people happily chatting around me.  I envied them because they seemed so carefree, but then I remembered that they hold their own sorrows too...some of them are holding sorrows that I cannot even imagine.  I vividly remember the last time I got my haircut.  It was January and I was pregnant with you.  I had no idea the sorrow that would soon be coming my way.

That day, I remember feeling proud of my growing belly and I felt cute in my new maternity shirt, my maternity skinny jeans, and my knee-high slouchy boots.  I had even put on make-up, which is rare for me!

I walked in from the cold, gray day and sat by the fireplace in the waiting area.  As I sat down, I secretly hoped someone would notice my belly and ask about you.  I wanted to talk about how I thought you would be my fourth boy and how I was hoping you would come a little early and be here in June.  Everyone was so engrossed in their smart phones so of course nobody struck up a conversation, which is all too common these days.  I am one of the weird people in the world that likes making small talk...I even really like talking to people on planes and am disappointed if I am seated next to a non-talker, haha!

While I waited, a receptionist came over to me and asked if I wanted to go on and schedule my appointments for all of 2016.  I LOVE to plan ahead, so I said "Sure!"  I scheduled one for spring, one for fall and one for winter.  I wanted to skip a summer haircut because I figured you would be born in late June or early July and I thought since I would be in the "newborn haze" that I could stand to miss a haircut.

So today when I pulled in the parking lot of the salon to get my spring haircut, you were definitely on my mind.  I was supposed to be 6 months pregnant with you at this haircut.  As soon as I walked in the door and saw that fireplace, I just started remembering everything about being there last time with you.  I could feel the lump in my throat and the tears started to well up in my eyes.  I drank some water and tried to distract myself by reading a magazine. When my hairdresser came over and took me back to get my hair washed, my heart began to ache and I felt miserable.

As I walked to the shampoo sink, I nervously glanced around to see if Bethany was there.  She cut my hair last time and she is my usual hairdresser but she was booked for the day.  I had told her about you the last time I was there and she could see my pregnant belly and was very excited for me.  She  told me how cute I looked that day and we giggled when I told her you were a surprise. I knew if I saw her I would have to tell her what happened to you.  I saw her cutting a young girl's hair and longed to go over to tell her but knew it wasn't the right time.  I sat down and my hairdresser began to wash my hair.

I thought I could hold off the tears but as I sat there with the warm water running down my head and the sweet aroma of lavender all around me, my thoughts caught up to me.  My feelings did too.  It had been a week since I had cried and I guess I was "due."  The hairdresser walked away to get something and as I sat there alone with my thoughts of you, I couldn't help but let the floodgates open. 

I did not know what to do.  I just sat there with sopping wet hair, crying uncontrollably.  When the guy who had been washing my hair came back he looked so confused and sympathetic.  He had no idea about you.  I went into the bathroom and regained composure.  When I came out of the bathroom I told the hairdresser about you and why I was crying. He immediately changed the subject. We chatted some and all I wanted to do was talk about you, but I felt like I couldn't. 

Bethany came up to me while I was paying for my haircut.  I told her what happened to you and her eyes welled up with tears. I was glad to finally be able to tell her and was even more glad to see the tears in her eyes. She gave me a big hug and we said our goodbyes.  When I got to my car, I cried again.  A big, ugly, red faced cry. 

I guess when you are grieving, that is just bound to happen.  I am learning.